So, my expectations are really, really low for Christmas. I am giving gifts the way I planned - they bring satisfaction to me and if the receiver doesn't like it, I won't get bent out of shape about it.

I am a little bent out of shape - actually. We always have Christmas breakfast/brunch and I always make the breakfast casserole. But when I asked Liz what food I needed to bring - a dessert for Christmas. OK. I really enjoy that breakfast casserole on Christmas morning and my husband does, too. Plus, I am not a fan of Liz's cooking. It's okay, not great. No WOW factor whatsoever. So, that casserole was the one link Steve and I had to something that we enjoy. BUT we do spend the holidays at Bob & Liz's house, so we have to abide by their rules. I'll eat whatever she makes, fortunately, I can't eat a lot of it! Except I won't eat that orange salad thing her mother makes - she never gets the recipe corrects and it never conjeals the right way. It has cottage cheese in it, and I hate that stuff. So, I'll make a dessert!

The other thing that I am bent about is this whole present thing - I chose NOT to make a Christmas list this year. My intentions were decent but they may backfire on us. We exchanged lists for 3 years. Now, we never, ever received one from Pam & Steve. We basically got Robert's lists and a vague idea of what to get Elizabeth. However, we provided detailed lists. (see earlier post for further ranting on this subject). So, this year - no list, I say. Steve and I have been together for 8.5 yrs - they should know us by now. Or at least Steve! When asked for the list, I replied "No list. Go with what you know." We'll see how this pans out in the end. We may be completely satisfied with the gifts. I figure that I am going to walk away with a couple of Lane Bryant gift cards. Who knows what my husband will receive? Because of the uncertainty, I went ahead and got him what he wanted. That way, he'll be satisfied.

I have made the gag gifts. I'll take pictures and post later.

As I sit here eating my breakfast of cereal and bananas, I am thinking that I got a lot accomplished yesterday and still felt lazy. I got all the gifts wrapped, read a book, did the laundry, and watched 2 movies. The 2 movies - Then She Found Me and Birds of America are new favorites. Both movies has brilliant casts and unpredictable storylines. Steve says that I love independent films. I do, but they must have a good story that is well-played. Not all indies can meet this criteria.

So, here it is.....I'm lazy. No one in my existing nucleus would believe me. But I am. My mother and my sister would believe me. The adult that I have developed into is not lazy. But when there is nothing to do, I go back to what I know - LAZY! So, that's me, on a holiday break. It can be refreshing or boring or nothing at all. But right now, all I've got is lazy to work with. My internal motivation has flown out the window. By the way, where does internal motivation come from anyways? Why do some people have gobs and gobs of the stuff and others have nothing at all?

I am 36yo and I want to be financially comfortable. Just when I think I have this financial struggle licked, another problem arises. I try not to be mad about it. The anger makes me work harder to correct the problems and bad habits within myself, but it doesn't solve the other issues that I cannot control. The anger hurts my heart.

catch up

In the last month, life has been eventful. More than I realized it would be. Oct 24 was the opening of High School Musical 3 - I organized a district-wide event for choir and 400+ middle school girls showed up and screamed everytime ZE appeared on screen. It was sooooo much fun! I was probably the only choir director there who was having as much fun as the girls. Afterwards, I focused 200% of my energy on organizing/hosting Solo & Ensemble Contest for Region 9 middle school choir. I knew that I would be walking a lot during this event, but really and truly, I did not understand just how much walking would be involved. As the organizer/host, I have never felt pulled in so many directions at once - that was CRAZY! But fun. After this event was over, I lost all focus. But I had to try to regain some focus b/c Men's Choir Concert was the event following S/E Contest. Men's Choir Concert was good, but events surrounding it soured the experience for me. Male choir directors who act like divas disgust me. Unfortunately, there were 2 of them. ugh.

So, the Riser life is rolling along nicely. On a personal front, we went to my mother's and to the Risers for Thanksgiving. It was a split day and it worked out fine. My mother had knee replacement surgery a week before T-day, so Steve and I went to see her. After a 5 year estrangement with very limited contact, this was not an easy decision. But since I severed the relationship, I figured that I would offer an olive branch. Honestly, I have matured exponentially in the last 5 years, and so much of it is due to the boundaries that I have set up with my mother. But my life is out of emotional balance these days, so I went to see her. I knew that it would difficult just walking in the house, and it was - the clutter was still in existence. The clutter in my mother's house makes one feel crowded, there is sooooo much of it. All that is left are pathways to walk through the house. Her metal canopy bed stuck in the middle of my sister's childhood room - none of the childhood things had been removed, mind you. All of it was still on the shelves collecting a 25th layer of dirt, plus all of my mother's personal things. A store-bought entertainment unit empty of all media was filled from top to bottom with folded quilts. On the top of the unit was a flat screen tv. Evidently, my childhood bedroom is filled top to bottom (there are 10 ft. ceilings in this house), and corner to corner with stuff. You cannot enter in this room at all. The Christmas tree remains up - all year long - nailed into the ceiling, the ornaments collecting their 10th year of dust. Yes, folks, she's had that tree up at least 10 years. There is stuff EVERYWHERE in this house. She should now be an urban legend in that town.

So, the visit.....when we drove up, BaiLee (my 6yo niece) came out the back door to "greet" us. She pointed to the dog and said "That's Taz." BaiLee doesn't really know us. She was a baby when Steve and I got married and it's been 5 yrs since. She has only seen pictures of us on Mom's fridge (yet another thing cluttered with 25 yrs worth of images). We went in and sat down with Mom - moving slow from the knee replacement. BaiLee's dad, Chuck, was there as well. Evidently, Linda Joy (my younger sister and BaiLee's mother) was in the shower.

Let me backtrack just a moment....my sister is a drug addict and goes on/off the radar. Her life has spiraled out of control in the last 7-8 years. After BaiLee was born, my grandmother died and I got married - combined all of that with postpartum and well, you get the picture. Linda Joy is 32yo and has never had any real degree of accomplishment in her adult life. It is a sad, sad reality - out of anyone's control. An intervention was staged a few yrs back by her co-workers, it didn't work. Her trailer and car were repossessed, she no longer has custody of her children and she doesn't have a job. Now, that mother is needing help, Linda Joy has shown up to be a temporary caregiver. The last time I saw LJ was at Grandma's funeral in March.

Mother has told me that LJ had arrived to help and that her hair was matted. I didn't understand the severity of the situation until I saw her. She came out of the bathroom and I saw her in the next room, her hair was wet and pulled back into a ponytail. I immediately noticed the weight gain - she says it is 20lbs, I'd ventured to guess it's more like 30-40lbs. But it was her hair that mesmerized me. When she turned her head I saw the enormous knot of hair. Beginning at the top of her head, the matting began and kept going down to the back of head at the bottom. The knot of hair encompassed the whole backside of her head and she combed over it with the hair that was left and put that in a ponytail. Mom said that when LJ goes into depressions, she lays in bed for 2 mos and does nothing. When I hugged her once, I smelled the shampoo, but the second time I hugged her, I smelled the smoke. LJ smokes, so that smell just settled in her hair. She needs to shave her head entirely to allow healthy hair to grow back. There is NO WAY to comb any of it out. I cannot tell you why a huge knot of hair is gut-wrenching, but it is.

We had lunch, that LJ and Chuck prepared. Mom came to the table to eat with us. Chuck and BaiLee left before lunch began - at BaiLee's urging. That child is a hand full. She is the size of the 9yo and acts like a 2 yo. She throws tantrums, doesn't respect authority, and completely disregards LJ. Lunch was good, we tried to convince LJ to cut her hair.

The clincher was that Mom made a peace offering - the wedding photos. We have our wedding album, but getting that was the reason for the separation. The rest of the wedding photos, including my bridal portrait proofs, have been in her possession since we got married. Steve and I found my framed bridal portrait in the living room of Mom's house stuffed between a wall and a storage chest. Steve wanted me to take it, but I couldn't. We couldn't find our wedding portrait - I know that it has been framed and it is somewhere, but we couldn't find it. During the visit, Mom said "I kept what I wanted and put in the framed bridal portrait." To which I thought "Yes, and I see how much value you place on that possession." So, now, after 5 yrs, I have all of my wedding proofs. The Risers were never able to see them, so we are going to take a few that we want and give the rest to them. After that peace offering, it was time for me to go. I had had enough.

The rest of Thanksgiving Day was spent at the Risers - it was pleasant and normal.

musings....

I have committed to making Hannah's cake for her 5th birthday - was I smoking crack when I agreed to this? Honestly, I don't do drugs, so totally just kidding. I have a backup plan though. Mainly, because I totally freaked out today about it. I do a lot of things well - very well, but it is not possible for me to produce a birthday cake for a 5yo's party. I cannot perfect it and it scares me to death that I committed to it. So, the backup plan is in place.

I get my 3rd fill on Tuesday. I am very excited about this, and expect to see some dramatic weight loss in the next month. I think being between 248-252 lbs for the past month has kind of scared me into thinking that I will stay here forever. I have been at this weight most of my adult life, so I'm comfortable with it. On the other hand, I am scared to lose any more weight because I don't remember weighing less than 250 lbs. I have not clothes under a size 24. I have lost 4 sizes so far, and I am scared out of my mind. For no reason other than emotional attachment to the weight.

I wish my in-laws had half the respect and love for my husband that they do for Robert & Elizabeth. The Bob & Liz show can do no wrong, and the way Pam talks about them - it's idolatry, really. Elizabeth is the successful child who can do no wrong, and her husband Robert is the authority on everything. Steve thinks it's all about Pam's guilt toward him. Probably so. Pam once said to me, "Steve had so many problems and when Elizabeth came along, she was perfect." Where or how do you have to live to find healthy family relationships? This concept is a mind-boggling mystery to me. Tonight, Steve and I discussed the fact that our parents were only ever interested in us when we were on stage performing. It's all we were good for, really. Apart from that part of our lives, all we seem to do is make mistakes and lead unsuccessful lives because of poor choices. Our life is driven by career-related events and our social life is pretty boring. On the flip side, Robert & Elizabeth's life is driven by exciting social events, and their work life is successful, yet boring. We know how to work, they know how to play. I don't want to compare, but it is kind of difficult not to - when we spend time with Steve's parents, all they do is talk about Robert & Elizabeth. Sometimes, I just get sick of hearing about every detail of their lives. And yes, we know about every detail that Pam knows about b/c she and Liz have no boundaries. Actually, Steve's dad actually makes an attempt to talk to Steve or to me, but Pam is usually waiting to talk and will interrupt or change the subject. But there is a whole different side to this dynamic b/c Steve is not forthcoming to his parents. He picks and chooses what he tells them b/c of their invasive parenting. So, it is difficult for them to know their son when he doesn't tell them much. ugh. I could go on and on.

So, the week is full of things to do. I have 3 assignments due, and have completed 1 so far. I have to start Christmas music with my 6th graders this week. I have to get moving on 2 ensemble pieces and firm up the advanced girls ensemble pieces (shaky intonation). I have to handle issues with Solo & Ensemble, Girls Night Out, and ordering hoodies and garment bags. Plus, I have to order the Tyvek wristbands for GNO.

And I am going to walk every morning at 5:15am - no matter what.

Stew

I want to make a stew - Chicken & Sausage Stew. I feel like I am in a stew of emotions. Will cooking help? I do not know!

I am in some sort of sour mood that I can't shake. Difficult to be around.

I judged Region auditions today and it was $100 of agony. The girls kind of knew their music, but tonality was awful. If their choirs make 1's at contest, I really need to stop working so hard to perfect choral tone. I heard 2 good singers out of 35. ugh.

Then I ate a late lunch with Steve and his parents. It was nice.

But silence is nice, too. I just want to be alone for a while. My control is getting shaky. Lately, I am always "ON" and there's no time to just be and relax. It has begun to wear on my nervous system.

Maybe I should go cook that stew. Maybe that would make me feel better. It's what I have wanted to do all week.

Barring the fact, that I don't know how to probably compress my pics for web publishing, here's the 4 mo. comparison.....

Left: June 11, 2008

306 lbs

wide as the pantry doors

Size 28 on top, Size 30/32 on bottom

Right: October 11, 2008

decreasing in width

Size 22 on top, Size 24 on bottom