musings....

I have committed to making Hannah's cake for her 5th birthday - was I smoking crack when I agreed to this? Honestly, I don't do drugs, so totally just kidding. I have a backup plan though. Mainly, because I totally freaked out today about it. I do a lot of things well - very well, but it is not possible for me to produce a birthday cake for a 5yo's party. I cannot perfect it and it scares me to death that I committed to it. So, the backup plan is in place.

I get my 3rd fill on Tuesday. I am very excited about this, and expect to see some dramatic weight loss in the next month. I think being between 248-252 lbs for the past month has kind of scared me into thinking that I will stay here forever. I have been at this weight most of my adult life, so I'm comfortable with it. On the other hand, I am scared to lose any more weight because I don't remember weighing less than 250 lbs. I have not clothes under a size 24. I have lost 4 sizes so far, and I am scared out of my mind. For no reason other than emotional attachment to the weight.

I wish my in-laws had half the respect and love for my husband that they do for Robert & Elizabeth. The Bob & Liz show can do no wrong, and the way Pam talks about them - it's idolatry, really. Elizabeth is the successful child who can do no wrong, and her husband Robert is the authority on everything. Steve thinks it's all about Pam's guilt toward him. Probably so. Pam once said to me, "Steve had so many problems and when Elizabeth came along, she was perfect." Where or how do you have to live to find healthy family relationships? This concept is a mind-boggling mystery to me. Tonight, Steve and I discussed the fact that our parents were only ever interested in us when we were on stage performing. It's all we were good for, really. Apart from that part of our lives, all we seem to do is make mistakes and lead unsuccessful lives because of poor choices. Our life is driven by career-related events and our social life is pretty boring. On the flip side, Robert & Elizabeth's life is driven by exciting social events, and their work life is successful, yet boring. We know how to work, they know how to play. I don't want to compare, but it is kind of difficult not to - when we spend time with Steve's parents, all they do is talk about Robert & Elizabeth. Sometimes, I just get sick of hearing about every detail of their lives. And yes, we know about every detail that Pam knows about b/c she and Liz have no boundaries. Actually, Steve's dad actually makes an attempt to talk to Steve or to me, but Pam is usually waiting to talk and will interrupt or change the subject. But there is a whole different side to this dynamic b/c Steve is not forthcoming to his parents. He picks and chooses what he tells them b/c of their invasive parenting. So, it is difficult for them to know their son when he doesn't tell them much. ugh. I could go on and on.

So, the week is full of things to do. I have 3 assignments due, and have completed 1 so far. I have to start Christmas music with my 6th graders this week. I have to get moving on 2 ensemble pieces and firm up the advanced girls ensemble pieces (shaky intonation). I have to handle issues with Solo & Ensemble, Girls Night Out, and ordering hoodies and garment bags. Plus, I have to order the Tyvek wristbands for GNO.

And I am going to walk every morning at 5:15am - no matter what.