another week gone by...

...and what do I have to show for it? I really don't know - it was a LONG week:
Sunday: My 36th birthday
Monday: Psych eval
Tuesday: Nutrition class in the AM, Psychotherapy in the PM, with an afterschool rehearsal thrown in for good measure.
Wednesday: nothing
Thursday: afterschool rehearsal, but was home by 6:00p (YEAH!!!)
Friday: afterschool choir clinic with advanced girls choir till 7pm, then dinner with Julie
Saturday: Birthday dinner party with Anna, Jay, Kandi, Alvin, Kathleen, Kaylyn, Richard, and Steve.
Sunday: church, lunch with the Risers
This week - more afterschool rehearsals!!!

It's contest season and I am calm right now - which scares the crap out of me. Why am I not MORE stressed about this? Have I given up? Is there too much still to be done? I am scared because I thought I made good choices this year. Now, I am not so sure. Should I have combined the advanced and intermediate girls for contest and gone non-varsity? Did I choose music that was too difficult for HT? I have sightread enough to warrant success. There is SO MUCH polishing left to be done this week. I am scared. A lot.

We add to that the waiting for Lap-Band approval and hearing from UH about acceptance into graduate school. A couple of uncertains just floating out there in oblivion.

I am not calm. My wigging out phase has officially begun....

Psychotherapy works for me!

Today, I went to the psychotherapist or rather, the counselor/social worker LCSW, for my psych eval in prep for WLS. I filled out a 5 pg. document that covered past history in a broad sense. Nothing specific. Basically, it was an "are you mentally ready for this" visit. She gave me some things to think about based on our discussions.....
1. Since I am an emotional eater and eat when I am bored - I need to find a coping mechanism for the boredom. Find a new hobby - reading, exercise, something....
2. Since I often put others needs ahead of my own and wls is something that I am doing for myself - I have to rethink how I plan for myself, how I plan to eat, how I plan to prepare my food, etc. She also suggested that I give myself permission to step away from the "pink bracelet syndrome" in some regards. One thing that I am going to have to do is stop worrying about Steve's eating habits and allow him to fend for himself. hmmmmm.....that's gonna be a tough one.
3. Be mindful of cross-addictions - top 4 are alcohol, shopping, gambling, and sex. Well, I am going to have to be very careful on 2 out of 4 of those - the other two, I don't care for very much.

Tomorrow is the nutrition consult. Plus school - oh yeah!

I'm making an effort....

...to talk to my mother without getting the jitters and needing a path of maximum avoidance. Today is my 36th birthday. Steve and I went to church and then met the Riser's and the Parker's for lunch at Palotta's - my fave Italian restaurant. My DH made me a card - he couldn't find one that he liked in the store. So, he made one - very clever and loving. Bob & Liz gave me the Paula Deen Celebrates cookbook. Have I mentioned that I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE Paula Deen? I do. The Riser's gave me some birthday money - I'll save it for later. My brother Grant called and left me a vmail of him and the boys singing Happy Birthday to me - LOVED IT!!!!! Linda Joy called and I talked to her for a bit. My mother called later in the evening - I went ahead and answered. We talked for about 30 minutes. Mostly about Grandma's funeral. I am trying to talk to her and be ok at the end of a conversation. But sometimes, I can't totally get her voice out of my head. I was sharing with her some positive things that the pastor said about Grandma - I didn't like her responses. Her responses backhanded the positives - it was disappointing. I know that none of the women on my dad's side of the family got along, but the woman that supposedly caused all the hurt is now deceased. Why can't we let go and remember the good? Why does the hurt have to keep lingering and why must we continue to keep hurting others as a result? This is the reason for my estrangement from Mother in the first place. We just don't have to live in unhealthy ways - we can be better.

Overall, a nice, quiet birthday. I'm 36.

Preparing for Lap Band Surgery: Tomorrow, I am going to do my psych eval. Tuesday, I go to the Nutrition consult. Then it's on to hounding the insurance co. I am very happy things are going well and FAST!!!!

Spring Break Vacation 08

Wednesday - March 19

We were supposed to leave by 7:30am, but we adjusted our schedule to leave by noon. We actually left at 11:30am - YEAH! TESCILLE!!! I WIN!!! With a pit stop for gas and lunch, we drove to San Marcos. We had about an hour to shop at the outlets - the first store we stepped into and the first thing we saw was a gift for Elizabeth. We walked on to the Fossil store to find a purse for me and a watch for Steve. Steve bought a broken watch - which he returned the next day. I scored TWO purses - one dark brown dressy purse (more professional than special occasion) and one casual sling purse that is a camel color. Both Fossil, both leather. WOOHOO!! Afterwards, we drove to Kyle TX for our stay at The Inn Above Onion Creek - we thought it was a B&B, but it was more of a country inn (it has 12 rooms). Steve called it Camp for Adults - that is what it felt like. Dinner was served at 6pm and there were 25 people! After dinner was served, everyone dispersed from the dining area and it really did feel like Camp for Adults - everyone went to their own room! Our room was quite large - with a large sitting area. We turned the fire on and slept with the fire on ALL NIGHT!!! So cool! Very good for recreating!

Thursday - March 20

We ate breakfast at the inn, then went for a short walk to the overlook of Onion Creek. After checkout, we were off to Natural Bridge Caverns and Wildlife Ranch. We waited in a line of cars for 45 minutes to get into the Wildlife Ranch - that was not so bad. Then drove around the park for an hour feeding the animals. I got to feed a ZEBRA at my car window - WOW!!! We hurried through the park and onto the Caverns. I am not a "cave" person - meaning, I am not interested in caves. Steve - very much the opposite. So, we went on the Illuminations tour and we had an excellent tour guide. This guy actually helped design and build the tour - we felt very fortunate to have a knowledgeable guide. After being in a cave at 70 degrees and 99% humidity, we decided to forego the second cave tour (yes, there are two) and went back to San Marcos for more shopping. We had a horrible experience at La Quinta - which didn't keep us from recreating, but nonetheless LQ ain't what it used to be.

Friday - March 21

We rose early to check out and head to The Aquarena Center (or Aquarena Springs, as I remember it). That was interesting and sad. Texas State University now owns the land and all parts of the old amusement park. It was rundown and lowkey. It looked like a ghost town, really. But they were running the boat tours, so we went. And we can say that we did it. Afterwards, we did more shopping. btw, Steve and I got into a snappy little tiff in the morning - I think he apologized with CinnaMelts from McD's - still not sure about that one. After shopping we drove to Kreuz Market in Lockhart TX - our absolute FAVORITE BBQ place. Then we went home. On the way home, we got into a MAJOR argument. But what are ya gonna do? - it's a 2.5 hour drive home - you are forced to resolve it......in the car. We had to resolve it b/c we realized that we would be ending our wonderful vacation on a sour note. All's well that ends well!

And that is our Spring Break Vacation 08.

Spring Break 08

I feel like Spring Break began two weeks ago. No, it didn't, really. It began yesterday. Here's a rundown of the my days since....
Thursday - taught school, judged at Pre-UIL (that was cool)
Friday - went to Grandma's funeral, came home
Saturday - was doing nothing, but DH was being annoying to the point of argument (note: probably best not to tell DW that you're mad after recreation - it totally ruins the moment), so I practiced avoidance and fled the house to run errands. When I came home, he was still here! Leave the house already - get out, go do something!!!!
Sunday - Steve went to church and came home. I am going to have to start going with him early to church - otherwise, I have no discipline and internal motivation to get there on my own. When did going to church become equal with a funeral durge? We ate lunch at Mel's, then wandered around TWMall, then came home for recreation. Much better this time.
Monday - I went to the school to proctor tests for a former student, ran errands, then on to the chiropractor, then came home for (omg! amazing) couch recreation.
Tuesday - I went to see Dr. Balette about Lap-Band. I love this doctor - so B/W about issues. And he calmed my nerves about surgery - I have never had surgery before. When I was coming home, I stopped to check the mail and saw a major wreck. It was apparent that I wasn't going anywhere b/c of the traffic buildup. I parked the SUV and got out to watch - very sad with 2 fire trucks plus fire dept. vehicles, 3 ambulances and 3 police cars. There were only 2 cars, but 3 people were hurt and a car flipped. I brought lunch home and now we are doing laundry. There is a storm that is supposed to be blowing in - the wind has been up for a couple of days now. But it looks like we will be at the eastern edge of it, so no biggie. We are going to dinner tonight at Jasper's with Christian & Audrey - I am VERY excited!!!!

Don't know what I was thinkin....

I think I agreed to sing b/c my sister wanted me to, but I wasn't really sure if I could do it. Steve wanted to sing with me, but we ended up arguing about it. So, I chose to sing by myself. My Aunt Joanne told me "If you are going to sing The Old Rugged Cross - that's one that I know so don't mess it up." No pressure. When I stepped up to sing, I couldn't even take a breath. I ended up turning to Cathy and asking her to sing. I stepped back and let them sing. I was emotional, embarrassed and just overwhelmed that Grandma was really gone. The cool thing that happened was that most of the people who stood there began to sing along. That's what Grandma would have wanted. It was odd - at MeeMee's funeral - there were lots of tears. At Grandma's funeral, no one was crying. That is, until I started crying.

She was a great woman.

Heavy Heavy Hangs Over My Head

Had I known, I woulda......

woulda what? WHAT is a laundry list of things to say, people to hug, songs to sing, places to go, people to please, etc. In the end, the WHAT is time misspent.

Eda Margaret Cole passed away today. My paternal grandmother - she was in her mid-80s and married for about 65 years to Bobbie Cole. Two of the greatest people I have ever met in my life. In their own form, greatness has always been simple.

Who will make my Grandpa coffee each morning? Who will make sure he has Lava soap? Who will stand over the washing machine to keep it from shaking and making so much noise? Who will yell at the dogs when they run through the house or bark at each car that drives by the farm? Who will talk for 4 hours without taking a breath and in the midst of it tell my Grandpa to stop playing solitaire and just visit with us? Who will make homemade ice cream in a stainless steel bowl and serve it with stale white cake and frosting? Who will stand at front door and greet me when I come in?

She is the reason we had a piano in our house - in each of her son's houses, she placed a piano for her grandchildren to learn. Our piano was the cheapest at $300, but was used the most. She always made sure we had a bed to sleep in at her house - we NEVER slept anywhere else. I just realized how important that was to her. Grandma - she was a crabby old woman who loved God, her husband, and her sons. She cared for others, and had strong opinions about how we should live our lives. I was the only who pursued the music she gave us. Looking at her life, you can see parts of her in each grandchild. There are 7 of us and 10 or so great-grandchildren. I cannot tell of a time in my life when she got along with any female in our family.

She taught me a lot about cooking and tried to teach me about money. She made me get the eggs out of the chicken coop. She made me clothes - including nightgowns and bras! She made me play the piano everytime I walked in her house. Her house is full of rocking chairs. She made sure I knew how to set a table. She made the worst tea ever. She cooked T-Bone steaks in the oven - to perfection. She let us play outside, get dirty, and never worried about us getting hurt. Breakfast was always ready at 7am, lunch at noon, and dinner at 6pm - with coffee breaks for Grandpa at 10am and 2:30pm. When she yelled, it was more of a bellowed roar. She was the mother of 4 sons - two of which preceded her in death. Her husband was a Navy cook. She was a WWII wife who had a son while her husband was at war and she raised him till he came home. When her husband decided it was time to move from the drastic Illinois winters, he sent his wife and sons to Texas to find suitable land. He could not leave his dairy farm. She came to Texas by train and found him 342 acres of land that fulfilled his one request - the land had to have oak trees on it. She was a shrewd miser. She was the ultimate 20th century farm wife.

I am apprehensive about going to the farm on Friday - family lunch and a simple graveside service. The last time I went to the farm was when Daddy died. The first thing anyone said to me was Geneva "Your daddy thought you were the most disrespectful and ungrateful child." Some things - you don't forget, but oh my gosh, how you want to.

I haven't been in contact with my grandparents for 4 years. In the words of the Dixie Chicks - I'm taking the long way around. I loved my wedding day - it was surrounded with great strife - but the most special part of it (besides Steve) was my Grandma and Grandpa being there. It was like having Daddy there. Grandpa gave me away and it meant the world to me. At the wedding rehearsal, I was waiting to practice my walk down the aisle with Grandpa. I was pretty nervous and cold. Grandpa said to me, "A night like tonight, when you have been married as long as Mommy and I have, you won't remember in 60 years." When I asked him how he made it work for that long - he said "I kiss her each morning."

October Road

My husband says that I watch this show for the eye-candy. He may be right. After a long day that definitely qualified as "down in the dumps", I sat down on the couch with Steve at nearly 10p. We ended up watching the season finale of October Road - I don't know how many people watch this show. I hope that enough people watch the show that ABC wants to bring it back in the fall. I love this quiet little show - full of eye-candy. Or rather, man-candy. Even the not-so-hot dudes are somewhat hot. What I love about this show is that when it ends - I feel good. Lots of twists and turns in the plot, but it always ends on the upside. Plus, the music selections are very smart. So, thank you, ABC for keeping October Road on the air. My down in the dumps day is a little brighter (even though it is midnight) and it will be easier to sleep.

Monday Music Madness

100 kids from Band, Choir, & Orchestra at Main Event Entertainment Complex - I must be CRAZY!!! That was Monday Music Madness - bowling, billiards, laser tag, arcade games, food, etc., etc., etc. Plus, all the drama of 13-14 yr old girls and boys......At least I was home by 8:30p.

Right now, my task is quite a challenge - I have to shake some trees and find a few more kids to join choir - especially the guys. As of today, I have right at 100 kids signed up for choir. I did not meet my personal goal of 150 students. I am very disappointed. Before May, I would like to pick up 20 more students. But that is not going to be an easy task.

It is official - I need Spring Break. I was not motivated to teach today at all - I hate when I feel this way b/c it's hard to shake it off and move on. Of course, I never give my students a break of any sort - they rehearse EVERYDAY without fail. Today, my advanced girls - we just talked about nothing for 45 minutes. That happened in 3-4 of my classes - idk what was going on, but I didn't feel with it. I needed sunshine and all we had was rain.

March comes in like a lion and out a lamb....well, the lion part is definitely right!

Sunday night ramble

Okay, we all make our decisions in life, right? Well, I am choosing not to share my pursuit of wls with everyone that I come into contact with. Is it really necessary? Yeh, I publishing it on a blog for the world to see, but really, nobody's reading this thing except me. Steve wants to know who is going to sit with him during the surgery or if I need a pastor to come pray over me. He is obviously more worried than I am. I have a sense of peace about this whole thing, and I know that I am not going to die from it. I just see it as a new beginning and a happy one at that!

I am anxious to get to Spring Break. I feel like I have to endure this week with the kids. And I rarely ever feel that way about my students and I don't like to feel that way. idk, I'm just not that interested in school this week. I should probably order Pop Show music - that will make it more exciting! I definitely need a break.

Tescille's WL Journey

About 18 mos. ago, I began researching weight loss surgery after seeing 4 friends go through it (2 gbs, 2 lbs). I finally got an appt. to see a doc in June 07 - he scared the crap out of me. Normally, it is hard to intimidate me, but when I am unsure or nervous about a situation - the vulnerability is high. Then a series of traumatic life events happened, and I postponed my pursuit of wls. After 9 mos. in psych-therapy, I am at it again. With the help of my psych, I have found a one-stop shop for wls at Memorial Hermann - The Woodlands. I went to a wl seminar a couple of weeks ago. I have spent the last two wks getting med records transferred - no small task. I have an initial eval scheduled with Dr. Ballette on 3/18. After that, it's on to nutrition & psych consults, then wait for insurance approval. I am very excited this time. I felt completely comfortable with Dr. Ballette. He has a lot of experience and he presented well-supported research - as a craver of information, this helped ease my ocd. So, here we go again.....I am SO EXCITED this time!!!!