I have committed to making Hannah's cake for her 5th birthday - was I smoking crack when I agreed to this? Honestly, I don't do drugs, so totally just kidding. I have a backup plan though. Mainly, because I totally freaked out today about it. I do a lot of things well - very well, but it is not possible for me to produce a birthday cake for a 5yo's party. I cannot perfect it and it scares me to death that I committed to it. So, the backup plan is in place.
I get my 3rd fill on Tuesday. I am very excited about this, and expect to see some dramatic weight loss in the next month. I think being between 248-252 lbs for the past month has kind of scared me into thinking that I will stay here forever. I have been at this weight most of my adult life, so I'm comfortable with it. On the other hand, I am scared to lose any more weight because I don't remember weighing less than 250 lbs. I have not clothes under a size 24. I have lost 4 sizes so far, and I am scared out of my mind. For no reason other than emotional attachment to the weight.
I wish my in-laws had half the respect and love for my husband that they do for Robert & Elizabeth. The Bob & Liz show can do no wrong, and the way Pam talks about them - it's idolatry, really. Elizabeth is the successful child who can do no wrong, and her husband Robert is the authority on everything. Steve thinks it's all about Pam's guilt toward him. Probably so. Pam once said to me, "Steve had so many problems and when Elizabeth came along, she was perfect." Where or how do you have to live to find healthy family relationships? This concept is a mind-boggling mystery to me. Tonight, Steve and I discussed the fact that our parents were only ever interested in us when we were on stage performing. It's all we were good for, really. Apart from that part of our lives, all we seem to do is make mistakes and lead unsuccessful lives because of poor choices. Our life is driven by career-related events and our social life is pretty boring. On the flip side, Robert & Elizabeth's life is driven by exciting social events, and their work life is successful, yet boring. We know how to work, they know how to play. I don't want to compare, but it is kind of difficult not to - when we spend time with Steve's parents, all they do is talk about Robert & Elizabeth. Sometimes, I just get sick of hearing about every detail of their lives. And yes, we know about every detail that Pam knows about b/c she and Liz have no boundaries. Actually, Steve's dad actually makes an attempt to talk to Steve or to me, but Pam is usually waiting to talk and will interrupt or change the subject. But there is a whole different side to this dynamic b/c Steve is not forthcoming to his parents. He picks and chooses what he tells them b/c of their invasive parenting. So, it is difficult for them to know their son when he doesn't tell them much. ugh. I could go on and on.
So, the week is full of things to do. I have 3 assignments due, and have completed 1 so far. I have to start Christmas music with my 6th graders this week. I have to get moving on 2 ensemble pieces and firm up the advanced girls ensemble pieces (shaky intonation). I have to handle issues with Solo & Ensemble, Girls Night Out, and ordering hoodies and garment bags. Plus, I have to order the Tyvek wristbands for GNO.
And I am going to walk every morning at 5:15am - no matter what.
Monday, October 13, 2008
Saturday, October 11, 2008
Stew
I want to make a stew - Chicken & Sausage Stew. I feel like I am in a stew of emotions. Will cooking help? I do not know!
I am in some sort of sour mood that I can't shake. Difficult to be around.
I judged Region auditions today and it was $100 of agony. The girls kind of knew their music, but tonality was awful. If their choirs make 1's at contest, I really need to stop working so hard to perfect choral tone. I heard 2 good singers out of 35. ugh.
Then I ate a late lunch with Steve and his parents. It was nice.
But silence is nice, too. I just want to be alone for a while. My control is getting shaky. Lately, I am always "ON" and there's no time to just be and relax. It has begun to wear on my nervous system.
Maybe I should go cook that stew. Maybe that would make me feel better. It's what I have wanted to do all week.
I am in some sort of sour mood that I can't shake. Difficult to be around.
I judged Region auditions today and it was $100 of agony. The girls kind of knew their music, but tonality was awful. If their choirs make 1's at contest, I really need to stop working so hard to perfect choral tone. I heard 2 good singers out of 35. ugh.
Then I ate a late lunch with Steve and his parents. It was nice.
But silence is nice, too. I just want to be alone for a while. My control is getting shaky. Lately, I am always "ON" and there's no time to just be and relax. It has begun to wear on my nervous system.
Maybe I should go cook that stew. Maybe that would make me feel better. It's what I have wanted to do all week.
Monday, October 6, 2008
Monday Blah's
I have nothing special to blog about, but I feel as though I must take what is "on my heart" and put it into words.
I was watching Brothers & Sisters this evening - I love this show. It is the modern day Waltons and deals with a plethora of family issues. Since I struggle daily with family issues - this show appeals to me. It is not the same as my family situation, but it touches something very deep within me. Identity, validation, denial, avoidance, love, invasiveness, frustration, mistrust - any way around it, I like the portrayal of this TV family.
One of the conversations tonight struck a chord - "You don't value me as a mother." It is true. I do not value my mother as a mother. I believe I have a value for her as a person who has talents and natural abilities. She has a maternal nature, but it played out negatively for me...or rather on me. I don't remember the good times as much as I remember all the negative. I have tried. 5 and 1/2 half years, I have tried to remember the good. It just doesn't come as quickly as her condescending tone. If I remember the good times, I remember when I was on stage. She was always happy with me during those moments. But the negative happened whenever I wasn't on stage. How do I claw my way through the muck and mire of those memories to find enough positive to create some level of value for her? I want to. In order to do this, am I expected to forget about the other parts of the relationship?
Let me stop and mention my dad....passive non-violent alcoholic. He was a good dad, not great. Not a great husband. He took care of our material needs and some of the emotional. He was drunk every night and passed out by 9pm - what kind of dad do you get with that behavior? Not much. He was the cook of our family and made sure the bills were paid. He cleaned up my mother's messes when she bounced checks all over town and swapped banks like water b/c no one wanted to do business with her. He kept the vehicles running, the fridge full, and our bellies sustained. It was a life of survival. He helped us live from day to day. He died 8 years ago this November, and I don't think I miss him that much anymore.
She made sure we had a ride to/from school, a cheering section in the audience, clothes that looked semi-fashionable, the most beautiful birthday cakes, Sunday lunch after church, and she made sure we went to church.
I am like both of them. Probably more mother than father. And yet, I have difficulty finding value in either of them. Probably more father than mother.
I will find it. One day. It is within me.
I was watching Brothers & Sisters this evening - I love this show. It is the modern day Waltons and deals with a plethora of family issues. Since I struggle daily with family issues - this show appeals to me. It is not the same as my family situation, but it touches something very deep within me. Identity, validation, denial, avoidance, love, invasiveness, frustration, mistrust - any way around it, I like the portrayal of this TV family.
One of the conversations tonight struck a chord - "You don't value me as a mother." It is true. I do not value my mother as a mother. I believe I have a value for her as a person who has talents and natural abilities. She has a maternal nature, but it played out negatively for me...or rather on me. I don't remember the good times as much as I remember all the negative. I have tried. 5 and 1/2 half years, I have tried to remember the good. It just doesn't come as quickly as her condescending tone. If I remember the good times, I remember when I was on stage. She was always happy with me during those moments. But the negative happened whenever I wasn't on stage. How do I claw my way through the muck and mire of those memories to find enough positive to create some level of value for her? I want to. In order to do this, am I expected to forget about the other parts of the relationship?
Let me stop and mention my dad....passive non-violent alcoholic. He was a good dad, not great. Not a great husband. He took care of our material needs and some of the emotional. He was drunk every night and passed out by 9pm - what kind of dad do you get with that behavior? Not much. He was the cook of our family and made sure the bills were paid. He cleaned up my mother's messes when she bounced checks all over town and swapped banks like water b/c no one wanted to do business with her. He kept the vehicles running, the fridge full, and our bellies sustained. It was a life of survival. He helped us live from day to day. He died 8 years ago this November, and I don't think I miss him that much anymore.
She made sure we had a ride to/from school, a cheering section in the audience, clothes that looked semi-fashionable, the most beautiful birthday cakes, Sunday lunch after church, and she made sure we went to church.
I am like both of them. Probably more mother than father. And yet, I have difficulty finding value in either of them. Probably more father than mother.
I will find it. One day. It is within me.
Saturday, October 4, 2008
3rd fill needed
I ate a full meal tonight at Raising Cane's - 3 chicken fingers and fries with sauce and a small piece of bread. I ate slowly, but I ate all of it. Not good. Time for another fill.
My attempt at reading an article about music therapy just didn't work tonight. I am sleepy - even with a nap. We have a long day tomorrow. Hopefully, we'll get home tomorrow afternoon and still have time to prepare for the week. Otherwise, we'll be in Kingwood all afternoon and evening.
I have a great haircut and I think I have found a stylist that can finally cut AND style my hair. I don't know why it took me 14 years to find her. Oh, well, good things come to those who wait.
I cut Steve's hair last week. I have never, ever cut hair before. But we're cutting costs and his haircuts are one of them. So, we bought a $20 Wahl trimmer - I have watched some how-to videos on the Wahl website. We're set.
Ummmm....I'm just about ready to fall asleep.
My attempt at reading an article about music therapy just didn't work tonight. I am sleepy - even with a nap. We have a long day tomorrow. Hopefully, we'll get home tomorrow afternoon and still have time to prepare for the week. Otherwise, we'll be in Kingwood all afternoon and evening.
I have a great haircut and I think I have found a stylist that can finally cut AND style my hair. I don't know why it took me 14 years to find her. Oh, well, good things come to those who wait.
I cut Steve's hair last week. I have never, ever cut hair before. But we're cutting costs and his haircuts are one of them. So, we bought a $20 Wahl trimmer - I have watched some how-to videos on the Wahl website. We're set.
Ummmm....I'm just about ready to fall asleep.
A good week, no loss
No weight lost this week. Where does the exercise fit in? Besides 5:30am? Plus I hate changing clothes after I get dressed in the morning. Seriously, it messes with my head if I change clothes for another task beyond lounging and sleeping. Ah, the sedentary life! It's gotta change!
So, as I rushed out of the front door on Friday morning, I realized "I haven't eaten." It is no longer possible to live life on the run - going from one event to the next without regard to eating habits and schedules. Now, I have to eat. So, I had to stop and make myself eat. Mentally, I didn't want to, but we've finally approached the hard part. The schedule is busy, and yet I still have to make time for myself.
Ya know, those women who are mothers.....you may think that all I have is time for myself. No. This is not the case. Whatever time I have is spent doing for others - just like you do - but without kids in tow. Now, I have created this situation where I am FORCED to do things for myself. And it is very frustrating. I have to eat. I have to study. If I don't eat, I crash. If I don't study, I fail.
Last night, I was craving beef. Mainly, because the only meat that I seem to eating lately is chicken. You can only have it so many ways - it still tastes like chicken. So, I stopped and picked up some bbq. I ate 2 small plates, 30 minutes apart - that was okay. The non-okay part was following it up with Blue Bell Snickerdoodle ice cream. OHHHHHHH! The pain and discomfort!!! I should have waited, and I should have ate less. But I learned a lesson - my body didn't NEED it! So, it fought back. My bad choices completely ruined a perfectly wonderful night with my husband.
Interesting lessons are still yet to be learned....of this, I am sure.
So, as I rushed out of the front door on Friday morning, I realized "I haven't eaten." It is no longer possible to live life on the run - going from one event to the next without regard to eating habits and schedules. Now, I have to eat. So, I had to stop and make myself eat. Mentally, I didn't want to, but we've finally approached the hard part. The schedule is busy, and yet I still have to make time for myself.
Ya know, those women who are mothers.....you may think that all I have is time for myself. No. This is not the case. Whatever time I have is spent doing for others - just like you do - but without kids in tow. Now, I have created this situation where I am FORCED to do things for myself. And it is very frustrating. I have to eat. I have to study. If I don't eat, I crash. If I don't study, I fail.
Last night, I was craving beef. Mainly, because the only meat that I seem to eating lately is chicken. You can only have it so many ways - it still tastes like chicken. So, I stopped and picked up some bbq. I ate 2 small plates, 30 minutes apart - that was okay. The non-okay part was following it up with Blue Bell Snickerdoodle ice cream. OHHHHHHH! The pain and discomfort!!! I should have waited, and I should have ate less. But I learned a lesson - my body didn't NEED it! So, it fought back. My bad choices completely ruined a perfectly wonderful night with my husband.
Interesting lessons are still yet to be learned....of this, I am sure.
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