So, my expectations are really, really low for Christmas. I am giving gifts the way I planned - they bring satisfaction to me and if the receiver doesn't like it, I won't get bent out of shape about it.

I am a little bent out of shape - actually. We always have Christmas breakfast/brunch and I always make the breakfast casserole. But when I asked Liz what food I needed to bring - a dessert for Christmas. OK. I really enjoy that breakfast casserole on Christmas morning and my husband does, too. Plus, I am not a fan of Liz's cooking. It's okay, not great. No WOW factor whatsoever. So, that casserole was the one link Steve and I had to something that we enjoy. BUT we do spend the holidays at Bob & Liz's house, so we have to abide by their rules. I'll eat whatever she makes, fortunately, I can't eat a lot of it! Except I won't eat that orange salad thing her mother makes - she never gets the recipe corrects and it never conjeals the right way. It has cottage cheese in it, and I hate that stuff. So, I'll make a dessert!

The other thing that I am bent about is this whole present thing - I chose NOT to make a Christmas list this year. My intentions were decent but they may backfire on us. We exchanged lists for 3 years. Now, we never, ever received one from Pam & Steve. We basically got Robert's lists and a vague idea of what to get Elizabeth. However, we provided detailed lists. (see earlier post for further ranting on this subject). So, this year - no list, I say. Steve and I have been together for 8.5 yrs - they should know us by now. Or at least Steve! When asked for the list, I replied "No list. Go with what you know." We'll see how this pans out in the end. We may be completely satisfied with the gifts. I figure that I am going to walk away with a couple of Lane Bryant gift cards. Who knows what my husband will receive? Because of the uncertainty, I went ahead and got him what he wanted. That way, he'll be satisfied.

I have made the gag gifts. I'll take pictures and post later.

As I sit here eating my breakfast of cereal and bananas, I am thinking that I got a lot accomplished yesterday and still felt lazy. I got all the gifts wrapped, read a book, did the laundry, and watched 2 movies. The 2 movies - Then She Found Me and Birds of America are new favorites. Both movies has brilliant casts and unpredictable storylines. Steve says that I love independent films. I do, but they must have a good story that is well-played. Not all indies can meet this criteria.

So, here it is.....I'm lazy. No one in my existing nucleus would believe me. But I am. My mother and my sister would believe me. The adult that I have developed into is not lazy. But when there is nothing to do, I go back to what I know - LAZY! So, that's me, on a holiday break. It can be refreshing or boring or nothing at all. But right now, all I've got is lazy to work with. My internal motivation has flown out the window. By the way, where does internal motivation come from anyways? Why do some people have gobs and gobs of the stuff and others have nothing at all?

I am 36yo and I want to be financially comfortable. Just when I think I have this financial struggle licked, another problem arises. I try not to be mad about it. The anger makes me work harder to correct the problems and bad habits within myself, but it doesn't solve the other issues that I cannot control. The anger hurts my heart.

catch up

In the last month, life has been eventful. More than I realized it would be. Oct 24 was the opening of High School Musical 3 - I organized a district-wide event for choir and 400+ middle school girls showed up and screamed everytime ZE appeared on screen. It was sooooo much fun! I was probably the only choir director there who was having as much fun as the girls. Afterwards, I focused 200% of my energy on organizing/hosting Solo & Ensemble Contest for Region 9 middle school choir. I knew that I would be walking a lot during this event, but really and truly, I did not understand just how much walking would be involved. As the organizer/host, I have never felt pulled in so many directions at once - that was CRAZY! But fun. After this event was over, I lost all focus. But I had to try to regain some focus b/c Men's Choir Concert was the event following S/E Contest. Men's Choir Concert was good, but events surrounding it soured the experience for me. Male choir directors who act like divas disgust me. Unfortunately, there were 2 of them. ugh.

So, the Riser life is rolling along nicely. On a personal front, we went to my mother's and to the Risers for Thanksgiving. It was a split day and it worked out fine. My mother had knee replacement surgery a week before T-day, so Steve and I went to see her. After a 5 year estrangement with very limited contact, this was not an easy decision. But since I severed the relationship, I figured that I would offer an olive branch. Honestly, I have matured exponentially in the last 5 years, and so much of it is due to the boundaries that I have set up with my mother. But my life is out of emotional balance these days, so I went to see her. I knew that it would difficult just walking in the house, and it was - the clutter was still in existence. The clutter in my mother's house makes one feel crowded, there is sooooo much of it. All that is left are pathways to walk through the house. Her metal canopy bed stuck in the middle of my sister's childhood room - none of the childhood things had been removed, mind you. All of it was still on the shelves collecting a 25th layer of dirt, plus all of my mother's personal things. A store-bought entertainment unit empty of all media was filled from top to bottom with folded quilts. On the top of the unit was a flat screen tv. Evidently, my childhood bedroom is filled top to bottom (there are 10 ft. ceilings in this house), and corner to corner with stuff. You cannot enter in this room at all. The Christmas tree remains up - all year long - nailed into the ceiling, the ornaments collecting their 10th year of dust. Yes, folks, she's had that tree up at least 10 years. There is stuff EVERYWHERE in this house. She should now be an urban legend in that town.

So, the visit.....when we drove up, BaiLee (my 6yo niece) came out the back door to "greet" us. She pointed to the dog and said "That's Taz." BaiLee doesn't really know us. She was a baby when Steve and I got married and it's been 5 yrs since. She has only seen pictures of us on Mom's fridge (yet another thing cluttered with 25 yrs worth of images). We went in and sat down with Mom - moving slow from the knee replacement. BaiLee's dad, Chuck, was there as well. Evidently, Linda Joy (my younger sister and BaiLee's mother) was in the shower.

Let me backtrack just a moment....my sister is a drug addict and goes on/off the radar. Her life has spiraled out of control in the last 7-8 years. After BaiLee was born, my grandmother died and I got married - combined all of that with postpartum and well, you get the picture. Linda Joy is 32yo and has never had any real degree of accomplishment in her adult life. It is a sad, sad reality - out of anyone's control. An intervention was staged a few yrs back by her co-workers, it didn't work. Her trailer and car were repossessed, she no longer has custody of her children and she doesn't have a job. Now, that mother is needing help, Linda Joy has shown up to be a temporary caregiver. The last time I saw LJ was at Grandma's funeral in March.

Mother has told me that LJ had arrived to help and that her hair was matted. I didn't understand the severity of the situation until I saw her. She came out of the bathroom and I saw her in the next room, her hair was wet and pulled back into a ponytail. I immediately noticed the weight gain - she says it is 20lbs, I'd ventured to guess it's more like 30-40lbs. But it was her hair that mesmerized me. When she turned her head I saw the enormous knot of hair. Beginning at the top of her head, the matting began and kept going down to the back of head at the bottom. The knot of hair encompassed the whole backside of her head and she combed over it with the hair that was left and put that in a ponytail. Mom said that when LJ goes into depressions, she lays in bed for 2 mos and does nothing. When I hugged her once, I smelled the shampoo, but the second time I hugged her, I smelled the smoke. LJ smokes, so that smell just settled in her hair. She needs to shave her head entirely to allow healthy hair to grow back. There is NO WAY to comb any of it out. I cannot tell you why a huge knot of hair is gut-wrenching, but it is.

We had lunch, that LJ and Chuck prepared. Mom came to the table to eat with us. Chuck and BaiLee left before lunch began - at BaiLee's urging. That child is a hand full. She is the size of the 9yo and acts like a 2 yo. She throws tantrums, doesn't respect authority, and completely disregards LJ. Lunch was good, we tried to convince LJ to cut her hair.

The clincher was that Mom made a peace offering - the wedding photos. We have our wedding album, but getting that was the reason for the separation. The rest of the wedding photos, including my bridal portrait proofs, have been in her possession since we got married. Steve and I found my framed bridal portrait in the living room of Mom's house stuffed between a wall and a storage chest. Steve wanted me to take it, but I couldn't. We couldn't find our wedding portrait - I know that it has been framed and it is somewhere, but we couldn't find it. During the visit, Mom said "I kept what I wanted and put in the framed bridal portrait." To which I thought "Yes, and I see how much value you place on that possession." So, now, after 5 yrs, I have all of my wedding proofs. The Risers were never able to see them, so we are going to take a few that we want and give the rest to them. After that peace offering, it was time for me to go. I had had enough.

The rest of Thanksgiving Day was spent at the Risers - it was pleasant and normal.

musings....

I have committed to making Hannah's cake for her 5th birthday - was I smoking crack when I agreed to this? Honestly, I don't do drugs, so totally just kidding. I have a backup plan though. Mainly, because I totally freaked out today about it. I do a lot of things well - very well, but it is not possible for me to produce a birthday cake for a 5yo's party. I cannot perfect it and it scares me to death that I committed to it. So, the backup plan is in place.

I get my 3rd fill on Tuesday. I am very excited about this, and expect to see some dramatic weight loss in the next month. I think being between 248-252 lbs for the past month has kind of scared me into thinking that I will stay here forever. I have been at this weight most of my adult life, so I'm comfortable with it. On the other hand, I am scared to lose any more weight because I don't remember weighing less than 250 lbs. I have not clothes under a size 24. I have lost 4 sizes so far, and I am scared out of my mind. For no reason other than emotional attachment to the weight.

I wish my in-laws had half the respect and love for my husband that they do for Robert & Elizabeth. The Bob & Liz show can do no wrong, and the way Pam talks about them - it's idolatry, really. Elizabeth is the successful child who can do no wrong, and her husband Robert is the authority on everything. Steve thinks it's all about Pam's guilt toward him. Probably so. Pam once said to me, "Steve had so many problems and when Elizabeth came along, she was perfect." Where or how do you have to live to find healthy family relationships? This concept is a mind-boggling mystery to me. Tonight, Steve and I discussed the fact that our parents were only ever interested in us when we were on stage performing. It's all we were good for, really. Apart from that part of our lives, all we seem to do is make mistakes and lead unsuccessful lives because of poor choices. Our life is driven by career-related events and our social life is pretty boring. On the flip side, Robert & Elizabeth's life is driven by exciting social events, and their work life is successful, yet boring. We know how to work, they know how to play. I don't want to compare, but it is kind of difficult not to - when we spend time with Steve's parents, all they do is talk about Robert & Elizabeth. Sometimes, I just get sick of hearing about every detail of their lives. And yes, we know about every detail that Pam knows about b/c she and Liz have no boundaries. Actually, Steve's dad actually makes an attempt to talk to Steve or to me, but Pam is usually waiting to talk and will interrupt or change the subject. But there is a whole different side to this dynamic b/c Steve is not forthcoming to his parents. He picks and chooses what he tells them b/c of their invasive parenting. So, it is difficult for them to know their son when he doesn't tell them much. ugh. I could go on and on.

So, the week is full of things to do. I have 3 assignments due, and have completed 1 so far. I have to start Christmas music with my 6th graders this week. I have to get moving on 2 ensemble pieces and firm up the advanced girls ensemble pieces (shaky intonation). I have to handle issues with Solo & Ensemble, Girls Night Out, and ordering hoodies and garment bags. Plus, I have to order the Tyvek wristbands for GNO.

And I am going to walk every morning at 5:15am - no matter what.

Stew

I want to make a stew - Chicken & Sausage Stew. I feel like I am in a stew of emotions. Will cooking help? I do not know!

I am in some sort of sour mood that I can't shake. Difficult to be around.

I judged Region auditions today and it was $100 of agony. The girls kind of knew their music, but tonality was awful. If their choirs make 1's at contest, I really need to stop working so hard to perfect choral tone. I heard 2 good singers out of 35. ugh.

Then I ate a late lunch with Steve and his parents. It was nice.

But silence is nice, too. I just want to be alone for a while. My control is getting shaky. Lately, I am always "ON" and there's no time to just be and relax. It has begun to wear on my nervous system.

Maybe I should go cook that stew. Maybe that would make me feel better. It's what I have wanted to do all week.

Barring the fact, that I don't know how to probably compress my pics for web publishing, here's the 4 mo. comparison.....

Left: June 11, 2008

306 lbs

wide as the pantry doors

Size 28 on top, Size 30/32 on bottom

Right: October 11, 2008

decreasing in width

Size 22 on top, Size 24 on bottom

Monday Blah's

I have nothing special to blog about, but I feel as though I must take what is "on my heart" and put it into words.

I was watching Brothers & Sisters this evening - I love this show. It is the modern day Waltons and deals with a plethora of family issues. Since I struggle daily with family issues - this show appeals to me. It is not the same as my family situation, but it touches something very deep within me. Identity, validation, denial, avoidance, love, invasiveness, frustration, mistrust - any way around it, I like the portrayal of this TV family.

One of the conversations tonight struck a chord - "You don't value me as a mother." It is true. I do not value my mother as a mother. I believe I have a value for her as a person who has talents and natural abilities. She has a maternal nature, but it played out negatively for me...or rather on me. I don't remember the good times as much as I remember all the negative. I have tried. 5 and 1/2 half years, I have tried to remember the good. It just doesn't come as quickly as her condescending tone. If I remember the good times, I remember when I was on stage. She was always happy with me during those moments. But the negative happened whenever I wasn't on stage. How do I claw my way through the muck and mire of those memories to find enough positive to create some level of value for her? I want to. In order to do this, am I expected to forget about the other parts of the relationship?

Let me stop and mention my dad....passive non-violent alcoholic. He was a good dad, not great. Not a great husband. He took care of our material needs and some of the emotional. He was drunk every night and passed out by 9pm - what kind of dad do you get with that behavior? Not much. He was the cook of our family and made sure the bills were paid. He cleaned up my mother's messes when she bounced checks all over town and swapped banks like water b/c no one wanted to do business with her. He kept the vehicles running, the fridge full, and our bellies sustained. It was a life of survival. He helped us live from day to day. He died 8 years ago this November, and I don't think I miss him that much anymore.

She made sure we had a ride to/from school, a cheering section in the audience, clothes that looked semi-fashionable, the most beautiful birthday cakes, Sunday lunch after church, and she made sure we went to church.

I am like both of them. Probably more mother than father. And yet, I have difficulty finding value in either of them. Probably more father than mother.

I will find it. One day. It is within me.

3rd fill needed

I ate a full meal tonight at Raising Cane's - 3 chicken fingers and fries with sauce and a small piece of bread. I ate slowly, but I ate all of it. Not good. Time for another fill.

My attempt at reading an article about music therapy just didn't work tonight. I am sleepy - even with a nap. We have a long day tomorrow. Hopefully, we'll get home tomorrow afternoon and still have time to prepare for the week. Otherwise, we'll be in Kingwood all afternoon and evening.

I have a great haircut and I think I have found a stylist that can finally cut AND style my hair. I don't know why it took me 14 years to find her. Oh, well, good things come to those who wait.

I cut Steve's hair last week. I have never, ever cut hair before. But we're cutting costs and his haircuts are one of them. So, we bought a $20 Wahl trimmer - I have watched some how-to videos on the Wahl website. We're set.

Ummmm....I'm just about ready to fall asleep.

A good week, no loss

No weight lost this week. Where does the exercise fit in? Besides 5:30am? Plus I hate changing clothes after I get dressed in the morning. Seriously, it messes with my head if I change clothes for another task beyond lounging and sleeping. Ah, the sedentary life! It's gotta change!

So, as I rushed out of the front door on Friday morning, I realized "I haven't eaten." It is no longer possible to live life on the run - going from one event to the next without regard to eating habits and schedules. Now, I have to eat. So, I had to stop and make myself eat. Mentally, I didn't want to, but we've finally approached the hard part. The schedule is busy, and yet I still have to make time for myself.

Ya know, those women who are mothers.....you may think that all I have is time for myself. No. This is not the case. Whatever time I have is spent doing for others - just like you do - but without kids in tow. Now, I have created this situation where I am FORCED to do things for myself. And it is very frustrating. I have to eat. I have to study. If I don't eat, I crash. If I don't study, I fail.

Last night, I was craving beef. Mainly, because the only meat that I seem to eating lately is chicken. You can only have it so many ways - it still tastes like chicken. So, I stopped and picked up some bbq. I ate 2 small plates, 30 minutes apart - that was okay. The non-okay part was following it up with Blue Bell Snickerdoodle ice cream. OHHHHHHH! The pain and discomfort!!! I should have waited, and I should have ate less. But I learned a lesson - my body didn't NEED it! So, it fought back. My bad choices completely ruined a perfectly wonderful night with my husband.

Interesting lessons are still yet to be learned....of this, I am sure.

Note to Self:

Do not go to bed at 1am on Sunday evening. It makes for a weary Monday.

I don't know where my brain was last night. I was physically prepared for the week (laundry done, food prepared, etc.), but mentally, I did not prepare enough to just GO TO BED!

Good wake up

I woke up this morning in NO PAIN!!!

About 15 years ago, I walked down the steps of my dorm and twisted my ankle at the bottom. Then about 10 yrs ago, I stepped out of the shower (just as I would any other day) and pinched my sciatic nerve - only to find out that it was connected to the ankle injury. Since that time, I have had chronic back pain. I see a chiropractor about every 6 weeks to treat the pain and readjust my body. My body goes out of line very easily.

But this morning, I woke up and was not in pain! Most mornings, I am in pain and I work my way through it through stretches and stuff. Man, would I like some good meds for this, but I since I see a chiro for the pain and not a regular doc - I adjust naturally to the pain. My plan lately has been to stop sleeping on my stomach, so I sleep with a kingsize pillow on my left side and a large foam wedge on my right to prevent me from rolling over. To be honest, I feel like a newborn in a crib. But hey, it's working!

Validation & a new book

Today, I found articles that support my developing ideas for this position paper. Can I call it a thesis yet? No. I am definitely circling around the ideas that for music curriculum, there are 2 dif't camps of thought: traditional v. contemporary. The article from Music Educators Journal used the word 'reconceptualized', while others have used the term "post-modernism". Hmmm...not quite sure which is the best. But I am most comfortable with the 'contemporary' term. I thought my research was going nowhere - just shooting in the dark - but today, I feel validated in my research. I have to create at least 3 argument points - I will have 4 b/c there are four areas of study within the Action Ideal posit. My argument will be for contemporary music curriculum development and the counterargument will be for traditional music curriculum development.

Today, we went to church - duh, it's Sunday. I am going more often than I used to. I go through slumps every few years where I just don't wanna go or I get wounded by some situation in the church (oh, the can of worms!). But Steve is leading youth worship at a Baptist church on Wednesdays and the contemporary worship service at a Methodist church on Sundays. I am growing to like the Methodist church - there are some definite differences btwn the Meths and the Baps! But we have a new Bible study class and everyone is just so REAL - I LOVE IT! May I just say - FINALLY! So, I like it enough to attend church on a regular basis.

We went to church and then I took Steve to his youth band rehearsal. I swung over to B&N to buy Daniel Levitin's new book, The World in Six Songs, and then took it to Cheesecake Factory to read while I ate lunch. The book is really good. His premise is very much evolution based - that much I don't really care about b/c it's not like he's gonna sway me to that side. Basically, he says that all songs or musics fit into 6 categories: Friendship, Joy, Comfort, Knowledge, Religion, Love. Human nature is searching for those parts of the spirit and self-expression takes the form of music to create them.

This is what is interesting....for years, I have heard that music education courses are in jeopardy of being cut for funding purposes. I think I take this for granted b/c of the school district that I currently teach in. Klein is very pro-fine arts, especially pro-music. Here's the interesting part....Levitin says that music has been an important part of our daily lives throughout human history. He says that music is "a core element of our identity as a species". We are a highly variable species that has created a need for music and allowed it to shape who we are as a global culture and its subgroups. Why then would anyone ever think of it being insignificant in the education of the youth of this world?

Action Ideals stump me

I am opinionated, but I do not like to argue. It's a complete waste of energy to me. However, for part of my Concepts of Music Ed grad class, I have to develop a position paper on an Action Ideal set forth by the Mayday Group. My A.I. is 7a.

Action Ideal #7 says
An extensive and intensive consideration of curriculum for music education is needed as a foundation to greater professional unity and must be guided by a sound philosophical process.

a. What philosophical, curricular, psychological, and social principles and criteria should guide curriculum development, evaluation and criticism?

Let me say that I chose one of the easier A.I.'s - I thought.

So I am researching.....trying to find some information that will lead me to a position paper that has an argument and counterargument. Not only do I have to argue it, I have to argue BOTH sides!!?!?!?

I am finding some information - some of it is quite archaic. The argument/counterargument is developing into traditional vs. contemporary perspectives in music education. I guess any topic has the old v. new argument.

gift-giving made difficult

Let me preface this rant by saying...without children, I am self-centered, and yet probably more self-aware than most women my age. All I've got is time on my hands and most of it is unbalanced.
***
I am plagued with the challenge of self-satisfying gift giving. It is a concept that I put aside so long ago out of hurt and disbelief that I became a people-pleasing gift giver. When I was a child, I used to give my mom gifts that I made or picked out - I can remember being SO HAPPY to give her the gift. It did satisfy me to choose and give the gift. And yet, the gift was was later found on a back shelf hidden away or buried in a drawer. There was no real appreciation for the gift. Lesson to parents - for an appropriate amount of time, display your child's gift to you or at least use it. In the first couple of years of dating Steve, I would buy gifts for Elizabeth that I enjoyed buying and creating the entire package. That was so fun! Again, tossed aside gifts or it was something she didn't like and she made it known. That wall of expectation....I didn't know it was there, first of all, and second, it has been difficult to penetrate. So, I began to exhaust myself finding a gift for her that she would enjoy - it didn't matter. The result was still the same. She is happiest with gifts that she can choose, someone wraps up for her and there is no surprise in the unwrapping. Total control issues. It may do well for me to give a AmEx gift card for the next few years until I can wrap my head around this idea of self-satisfying gift giving. Yet one more area of my life that I can exercise self-centeredness.

The other day, Anna said to me "I can help you choose a gift that you would like to buy for Elizabeth." My first thought was "I don't know what I'd like to buy her, but I would like to get her something that she needs." I think for this pregnancy, we are going to become a diaper provider. That requires little thought and absolutely no emotion.

On the weekend of her wedding, 5 yrs ago, I overheard Elizabeth's business partner say "Tescille just keeps trying." Yep, that's me - child of an alcholic with tons of co-dependent issues - it's my thing. But I am tired of this one-sided relationship going nowhere. It's like dealing with a Seinfeld character - one dimensional on a show about nothing. I keep holding out hope that she will change, until then, I am stuck in this 3 steps forward-2 steps back relationship of frustration.

I have been looking on the internet for the psychology of gift giving or something that would help me think differently about this issue. Apparently, there are all kinds of research studies regarding the social psychology (not sociology) of gift giving, but it is difficult to find articles on the web about it. Social psychology reports include gift giving as part of studies in....reciprocity.

For the past 3 years, we have had this Christmas list thing going in the family. We provide one, the senior Risers do not, and the Parkers...well, Robert tells us what he wants and eludes to what Elizabeth wants. I refuse to do it again this year. We would put things on the list that we needed or wanted, all moderately priced. You get to point in your life, when you have everything you need. Without kids, you buy what you need for yourself or you allow yourself expensive toys. Anyway....They think they know us, but they don't -so they need a list to make it easy. I even went so far as to provide specifics, complete with websites. Sometimes, we get the specific items. Other times, we get downgraded items. My favorite (sarcasm here) is when they say "well, we saw that on your list but we didn't understand why you wanted it, so we didn't get it for you." Seriously? Why do you need to understand why I want it? You wanted the list, we provided it. Not this year. When they ask for the list this year, I am going to say "Whatever you'd like to give us is fine."

3 month comparison

Right Photo - June 11 2008

Left Photo - September 11 2008

55 lbs lost!





Look at the difference in my face! WOW!











I am still fat, but I don't feel SUPER FAT anymore. The khaki pants and turquoise top are headed for the donation pile - they are TOO BIG for me now!

A challenge...

My husband and my therapist both agree...that I need to take myself out of the relationship equation, both emotionally and mentally, with Elizabeth. I need to set limitations for myself and create self-satisfying situations which create positive behaviors. "Deal with the hand you were dealt" and "accept the situation 'as is'". Don't expect reciprocity because it will never happen.

My gosh, that looks soooooooooooo good in print. Now, I have to put this into practice.

3 women in my life that have no level of reciprocity: my Mother, Pam (mil), Elizabeth (sil). I have to live with them and maintain some level of relationship with them for the rest of my life. These are not friendships that I can dissolve if I don't like them. ARGH!!!!!! The female-female family relationship is NOT EASY!!!!!!

On the simple side of life - I went to PetSmart to buy pet food, I went to Target to buy toiletries, I went to HEB to buy groceries, I picked up the drycleaning, I filled a prescription, I went to the school to drop off a few things, and I need to eat dinner right now. All very simple parts of life. But then again, none of these things require deep & meaningful relationships.

Reciprocity is in short supply

We will become Uncle Steve & Aunt Tescille in May 2009 to Baby Parker #1. Robert & Elizabeth are pregnant. We were...not quite the last to know, but almost. We knew after the West Monroe and Ohio family found out. The West Monroe News Feed got the information to us before Bob & Liz had even thought about breaking the news to this end of the immediate family. I heard from Amy through email this morning - she said that Pam told Aunt Polly. Of course, Pam denied telling Polly. I don't believe that for a second, but whatever. Liz was crying on the phone to Steve b/c she had a special way that she was going to tell him. Robert told me that they were so busy in the last 5 days - us, too. The irony is that the "conception" announcement said "Say Hello to our new Longhorn" with the sonogram picture attached. Well, under that picture it said "Couldn't wait to share the news!" Yeh, you did and someone else shared it for you! You waited until you had shared it with 15 of your nearest and dearest family and friends. And we are not in that loop. But hey, who are we? Steve's just the brother, and I am just the sister-in-law or rather...."the girl that married my brother who did not meet my expectations." Yep, that's me! This is why when Steve and I have news to share with our family, we make sure that all of our ducks are in a row and we have a captive audience. Or we just don't tell them. We don't want a news leak, and nobody gets hurt that way.

Despite my bitterness about these dysfunctional family issues - lots and lots of therapy needed....We are actually happy to be aunt and uncle to this baby. Stephen & Pam will focus all of their energy and money on Elizabeth and the baby. Robert and Elizabeth will, of course, be perfect 1st time parents. Steve & Tescille will be the cool aunt and uncle who just enjoy the child and give great gifts. Hopefully, we'll find gifts that annoy the parents - those are the best. I care little and know nothing about giving baby clothes - so toys and noisemakers, here we come!

We are not surprised that Liz is preggers, we have been waiting 2 years for it to happen. And I know that they are happy. What is sad is that we couldn't be naturally surprised and happy for them in the way they wanted - I would have enjoyed that emotion and actually, I was looking forward to being surprised and excited for them. I keep expecting something more from them, and frankly, it always falls flat. I call Liz to go to lunch. We go to lunch, she never reciprocates. I go out of my way to find great gifts for her - she gets me gifts right off the list (no list this year). When I go to Kingwood to the chiropractor, I used to stop by and see her. I don't do that anymore - not worth it. I don't know why I keep trying with her - it goes nowhere. In the 8 years, that I have known her, she has never shown me reciprocity. Sad, but true.

It's really happening...

I am losing weight! That being said, I don't know HOW it is happening b/c I have not eaten well this week. I thought I had gained weight this week. With 7 people in the house and tons of junk food - I have not been as disciplined as I would have liked - my portions have increased and I keep trying to eat bread. I shouldn't b/c it still doesn't go down well. I have tried whole grain pasta, and that's okay. So, this morning, I weigh 248 lbs!!!! I am below the 250 line!!!! WOW!!!! I cannot believe it. In a little over 3 mos. since being banded, I will have lost 60 lbs. - that's incredible! Just 2 more pounds to go and there! I had hoped to lose 60 lbs by Christmas. I am well ahead of the game.

I do have new pics, but I left my connecting cables at school before the hurricane. I'll get them tomorrow.

Camp Scherisley 08

It is true and final - Camp Scherisley has come to an end. The Schermerhorns were welcomed into the world of restored power this evening about 6pm. After 8 days of being without power, it was a bittersweet parting.

To celebrate - Anna, Kathleen, and I went to see a movie - The Women. It was ok, not great. I love Diane English flicks, but this one was just ok. There were no men in the movie - at all. It was about women's friendships and their lives - only 2 characters evolved. Badly. It definitely could have been funnier - with the high caliber actresses in it. Oh well. I saw it and I won't have to wonder about it anymore.

We came back to the apt. and packed up the Schermie's. They loaded up and went home. It is amazing what a family of 5 can bring into a home in 8 days time. WOW! I think they had twice as many blankets as they had pillows (14:7), 2 video games, 5 board games, 3 puzzles, 3 ice chests full of food plus a box of non-perishables, a laundry basket full of clothes, coffee maker, 2 guitars, etc., etc., etc.

It was a bittersweet parting - we were having fun, and everyone had found their rhythm. But it was nice to have our quiet little home back. All of the activity is nice, but we definitely have a quiet little life.

We love Emma and Hannah, but I gotta say that I have no need to procreate. Probably ever. Plus, it's too late in life. At my age, we'd probably only end up with 1 child - ugh. I can't stand the thought of rearing an only child. We should have started 5 years ago, so we could at least have a small broood. But alas and alak, that is not to be.

Oh, well, we're going to the Schermie's house tomorrow for dinner. Jay's going to cook his infamous sloppy joes. Homemade recipe, folks. The best!

And for other news, I deleted the myspace page that I have had for 3-4 years but never used, and created a facebook page. Not sure why. Really, I was just bored senseless. So, we'll see. I don't have a real appreciation for social networking b/c I prefer face to face contact with actual humans. I have some friends in other places and I guess that I don't communicate with them cuz I don't have to. But now with facebook....well, we'll see.

It's time to build the Scherisley home. It would be so much fun.

Camp Scherisley Day 8

We wake up on this Sunday morning to find ourselves in Day 8 of Camp Scherisley. Yesterday, Steve and Jay went to a guitar shop and then to a jam session - a good way to get out of the apt. We all went to Berryhill's last night for Jay's gig. Good band - lots of southern rock, country and just plain ole rock n roll! Of course, the day was not devoid of drama. It was definitely there, just not sure why.

I went to my LapBand support meeting - only 2 of us showed - but was able to run into some old friends. A couple of brothers that Steve used to work with at FranklinCovey. Nice guys.

Currently, I am reading Music Matters by David Elliott. It is lofty stuff and I have realized a few things.....first, I don't ask enough questions. Well, when it comes to matters of philosophy, I don't. I have never been a questioner of those types of issues, so if you present a philosophy, I am likely to absorb it as fact. Sad, but true. I read Bennett Riemer's Philosophy of Music Education in college as part of elem. music ed course and it has pretty much been my bible since then. Now, reading Music Matters, my thoughts are in a tizzy. Very scholarly word - tizzy. Second, I have figured out that my brain thinks Riemer, but I practice Elliott. Or rather, my philosophy of music is based on the aesthetic concept (Riemer), but my teaching style and methodology is this praxial approach (Elliott). I'll keep reading to figure all of it out. I will say that it is slow reading.

So, we went to church - no electricity. The church had a couple of generators hooked up out back to run a few fans and the sound system. It was fine till the 3rd song, and it became miserable. I can't say unbearable b/c I don't think that's right to say in our current situation. Nothing is unbearable. Well, maybe sewage. By the end of the service, I was just wishing that I had worn less clothes. Or at least shorts and a tank top. Jay went with us and played with Steve. Anna and the girls went to church at Prince of Peace. They did go by the house - still no power, so we'll be working on Day 9 soon.

When we arrived home, we cooked chili cheese hot dogs, fries and tots. Now the girls are playing on "the park." Or rather, the apt. playground. The guys are watching them while the women roam the internet on our 3 computers.

8 days of nothing to do. Not unbearable. Not insane. But definitely working on it.

Camp Scherisley Day 7

So, here we are! One week of an adventure - happily coexisting and much better than I anticipated. The girls are having fun - watching movies and playing games. The adults are looking at computer screens and putting puzzles together. I went to UH yesterday to study - it was more of a search for books that would aid my research for the position paper. I checked out the books that didn't have an electronic presence (eBook) - I walked away with 6 books. But I did run into my prof - that allowed me to pick up my first set of graded papers and ask her a few questions. Since I was on campus, I decided to stick around for Dr. Weber's Chorale rehearsal. I always learn so much from her - she has such efficient rehearsal techniques. Why say 3 words when you can just say 1? Tutti! Instead of "all parts together" or "all together now". Anna and I went to the grocery store - it is restocked - with the exception of bread. It was good to get away for a bit. We ate chicken cacciatore for dinner. I won't tell anyone that the boneless, skinless chicken thighs that I bought at Wal-Mart on Sunday had a sort of funky smell to them. But I marinated them with a pkg of chicken breast in evoo and lots of garlic - for about 36 hours - you couldn't tell. Then I slowcooked them on High for 3-4 hrs and poured that cacciatore sauce over the top - it was GREAT! If anyone gets sick, well...........I don't know what I'll do. We watched movies last night - Ratatouille, The Sound of Music, Princess Diaries - good times. I am going to my LapBand support meeting this morning.

On with Day 7!

Camp Riser Day 6

Yes, it's Day 6 - I cannot believe we are this far into this adventure! Tempers flared and cooled yesterday - all is well again. Or at least swept under the rug until someone cleans in that location. We all went out to eat last night - this was a first since the storm. We took our troop to Mel's Country Cafe - home of the all things battered and fried - yummmmm! The Schermie's had never been there, now they are huge fans. We had a great time eating and trying to talk in a very loud restaurant. We couldn't hear each other. On the way back to Camp Riser, we all had a good belly laugh - the girls wanted to watch a movie in the van and wanted the adults to be quiet. So, the adults proceeded to make as much noise as possible - Jay & Steve talking at the top of their lungs mimicking the girls, Anna, Kathleen, & I just laughed and laughed and laughed. The levity was needed, to say the least. Upon our return to "the compound", aka the apartment, we played The Game of Life. What fun! We had all forgotten how to play and they have added a few new items to the board, but it was a great time!

Today, everyone will venture out again. I am going down to UH Music Library to do some research for my position paper. The rest of the folks - well, who knows what the day holds?

Just a note.....for a long time, we have referred to ourselves as The Scherisley's. Or shall we write it ScheRisLey? This dubbed name is a combination for Schermerhorn-Riser-Bartley. The reason for this dubbing is that we spend so much time together that we have playful dreams of buying a piece of land and building a multi-family home on it - complete with a common kitchen (commercial grade, of course). It would be appropriate to now call us Camp Scherisley.

On with Day 6!

We knew it would happen.......

Camp Riser Day 5 - flaring tempers. 5 adults in a cozy space - at least 2 of us have to get mad about something. It probably didn't help that we have played Imaginiff - a board game variation of truth/dare, or spent the morning looking at Chinese Zodiac signs. I don't know how that got started but no good can come from reading those things and pointing out to each person "Yeh, you are like that!" Only those who are self-aware need to be reading that stuff. Otherwise, it's a lesson in self-defense.

Linus on the Left/Lucy on the Right.

LapBand result pics. Sept 11 pic is done, but needs to be transferred.

Day 5.....

It is amazing how we can fit 3 people in a tiny kitchen - everyone doing different jobs. Or we can all be pursuing different tasks in the apt., but not be in each other's way. Camp Riser is going just fine - better than expected actually. I made belgian waffles yesterday for breakfast, everyone raided the fridge for lunch (eat those leftovers!), and we had hamburgers on Texas toast for dinner. There is no fresh bread to be found in Houston, so we went with frozen Texas toast. Elvis puzzle #2 has been completed, the girls have watched more movies than they want to (although they would prefer to watch Shrek or Shrek 2 all day), Guitar Hero is being played - smack talk is being spewed, and 3 laptops/1 PC are in constant use. The Schermerhorns have been switching between 2 changes of clothes. The Schermie's went home yesterday to clean up their yard. Steve and I ran errands. Both trips are in an effort to get out of the apt. and just do something. It helps. I have taken to napping - cuz there is nothing to do.

The good news is everyone is still getting along. Emma and Hannah are beginning to melt down sometimes, but for the most part, they have adapted pretty well. The bad news is that Centerpoint doesn't expect to get the Schermie's zip code restored to power until well into next week!!!! Centerpoint has been posting updates, and now they have posted a timeline for power restoration. When will we EVER go back to school? This is completely crazy. It looks like life is returning to normal, but then you realize that more than half of Houston is STILL without power. I could care less how long the Schermerhorn's stay with us....the fact of the matter is that I am ready to go back to school. These are crazy times.

Graduate school....I try to study...on the patio, in the upstairs office, on the table while others are watching movies. It is difficult to do anything with 7 people occupying 900 sq. ft. I have one assignment done. I am on my 3rd article for the article review - reading about Gender/Race Distinctions in Music Education. The gender articles were very feminist - I am not interested in angry women in music education. I have taken to the articles regarding race. The first one was a bit condescending, the second was a snoozefest, but the third.....downright interesting. Who knew that African-Americans have had a direct influence on Appalachian music and a new term has been coined? Affrilachian! I love it!!! I was trying to complete my article review for class tonight, but alas and alak, we will not meet. So, this week, we are engaged in an online class - this is really more of an online discussion through a blog, but it is cool. I like it. What is difficult for me right now is not being in class for the 3 weeks, I have no idea how I need to improve my writing skills (this stream of consciousness blog is not included in that statement). I have turned in 2 sets of assignments, received something of a grade on the 1st set and I am still grasping at straws. I have to start this position paper, but not sure how. Maybe if I can find some position papers online to study the writing style? Who knows?

So, we have completed 5 nights of Camp Riser and we are beginning Day 5. We'll see what the day holds....

Camp Riser Day 4

We are on Day 4 of Camp Riser - we are all still fine. We bought SingStar 80s for the PS2 last night and karaoke'd all night long. I am pretty tired. We're have Belgian Waffles this morning for breakfast. I am trying to figure out when to make them. The gas lines were shorter yesterday, but I never got gas. We need hamburger buns for tonight's dinner. I have to get an article read today and the review started. Steve being out of work for 6 days - I don't know how will we recover from this. Paying bills will be a nightmare. Right now, there are too many bills to pay and not enough money to go around. Direct Energy keeps calling, wanting to be paid. We just can't do it right now. I don't know what the solution is or how to find it.

Hurricane Break

OMG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! We will be out of school for the rest of the week! I might as well just go insane right this very second. The knowledge of this is unbearable! Okay, not entirely so, but I cannot believe this is happening. Hurricane Ike blew so many transformers in Houston that getting power restored is very slow. We have power, and that's a blessing. I cannot imagine being without it right now. Actually, we would have gone to Bryan and stayed with my mom. For air-conditioning, I can put it all aside. I think. So, life is rolling along. The house is quiet right now. I need to go get gas, but then I'll have to wait in line. I need to get a couple of things at the grocery store, but HEB is wiped out of all meat, produce, and dairy. These are crazy times, people. CRAZEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!

Weight wise.....I am rocking steady between 251 and 254 for the last two weeks. In the last 2 days, I have been on the lower end of things. I think I need another fill.

Camp Riser Rhythms

Yesterday, we found our "rhythm" - for a house full of musicians, that's funny. I am the early Riser - waking before all others to prepare breakfast and start the day. Yesterday, I had a breakfast casserole prepped, cooked, and sitting on the counter before anyone woke up. I have always loved cooking for people, so going from meal to meal is fun. Once breakfast is finished, you begin working on lunch, and once lunch is finished, you begin working on dinner - I love it! Camp Riser is a picky-food bunch, so that's the only frustrating part. I have very little tolerance for picky-eaters. I must admit that I have few (very few) food items that I am picky about, but they are not major things like onions or cheese or chicken or lettuce.

It was 67 degrees yesterday morning, so I set off on a brisk walk. It felt great! Upon my return, Camp Riser was awaking slowly. Steve couldn't go into work b/c Cheeburger still has no power. Oh, yeah, I forgot to mention that Steve lost his job with Home Depot about a month ago and in 2 days, got a job at a local burger joint. It's money, not a lot, but something is better than nothing. The group left for an outing, I stayed back to get some peace and quiet. Still no power at the Schermie house. Who knows when it will be back up? When they return, we all found our "rhythm". Steve was upstairs on the computer, Jay was reading a book (or playing the guitar with Steve), Anna was working on the computer, the girls were watching a movie, Kathleen and I parked on the patio to do some schoolwork (with lawn chairs and tray tables). It was nice, everyone had found their spot and no one got in the other's way. Kathleen went to help our neighbors clean the debris off the apt. complex playground, and we invited them for dinner. Anna cooked enchiladas, mexican rice, and beans for 10 people. We makeshifted our dining area to seat 7 adults, and put the kids on tray tables in the living room. It was cool outside, so we opened up all the windows to let the air flow through, and we had a great time. It was fun. Now we begin Day 3 of Camp Riser, so we'll see what the day holds......

It's been a while.....

Since the last blogging.....I have been filled again to 2.5cc's of saline in my LapBand. School started, all of my students are FABULOUS. I love them all. Graduate school has begun, and I have attended 1 of the first 3 classes - due to an absence for Open House, then school closing to prepare for Hurricane Ike.

Hurricane Ike came slowly and went away fast, leaving a deluge of a mess in its path. CRAZY storm! So, here's my selfish little perspective on it....

All that we got at our apt. was a lot of wind and rain - loudly. As a native Texan, I must say that I was pretty non-chalant about the whole thing - which freaked Steve out completely. Why was I not more worried? I worry about everything that I can control and Texas weather ain't one of 'em. Well...that kind of arrogance on my part helped me not be afraid of the storm, but also completely unprepared for the aftermath. I'll think differently next time. Let's see, we had very little food in our house, the milk was past its due date, my SUV was low on gas, and I think we had 2 candles and one working flashlight. Hey, I was just mad that they cancelled school, so I chose lack of hurricane preparation as my rebellion. The storm hit, our power went out about 5:30am on Saturday morning, I opened the windows to let the cool breeze in, and sat down to do some homework for my grad class. We got cabin fever about 3pm and got in the car to go wandering. No power, no phone service, and not sure what to eat. We got to Anna and Jay's house through a few detours b/c of downed trees, power lines, and flooded roads. They had no power either, so we all piled into their van to survey Ike's damage (it's BAD!) and try to find cell service somewhere. After a couple of hours, we landed back at their house to eat (cooking frito pie on the grill) and play dominos in the candle lit garage. The Schermie's house was HOT with no A/C. Steve and I headed home about 10pm - we drove into Tomball to see LIGHTS!!!! Yes, there was screaming and yelling involved - sheer delight, really. I sent Steve back to Anna's house to get them (cuz we had no phone service to call), and about 11pm, the Schermerhorns arrived in PJs at our apt. ready to sleep in the cold A/C. 7 people in 900 sq. ft. - 5 adults & 2 little girls - I know people live like this everyday. Camp Riser was open for business. Steve left Sunday morning to go to church, but came back w/in 20 minutes b/c the roads were flooded again from the Saturday night cold front and rain storm. We sent Steve and Jay out to see if they could get to the Schermerhorn house to check the power - no luck, more flooded roads and gridlocked traffic, so they came back. I pieced together a meal for us, then Anna, Kathleen, and I went on an adventure in the SUV with very little gas. Through gridlocked traffic and flooded parts of Hwy 249 - we made it to the Schermerhorn house (still no power). It took us about an hour (normally 15 min.) to get there and we packed up all the food, got more clothes, and put 2 gallons of gas in my tank. We made it back to Tomball Wal-Mart to buy a few things to sustain 7 people for 3 days. We drove by HEB to see 4 lines of cars waiting for gas - I thought they were lined up at the Burger King drive-thru - we're talking 30-40 cars per line. There were people waiting at the pump with shopping carts FULL of gas cans. This is a weird picture - a combination of suburbia and a 3rd world country. Wal-Mart had gas earlier in the day and we drove by thinking "We don't want to wait in those lines" - stupid thoughts, really. So, we finally made it back to the apt. - now the SUV is on serious fumes. Steve's car is full of gas, but low to the ground as is the Schermie's minivan - the SUV is the amphibian in our vehicle family. We're all here at the apt. - just hanging out, watching movies, playing the one board game we bought at W-M, and dominoes. We only know how to play Mexican Train and I had NO IDEA that there were rules to that game! By the way....Steve and I tried to pass the time on Saturday and play Phase 10....still not convinced about that game....we thought we'd play so that we could learn how to beat the Parkers and the Risers at the next holiday gathering. We read ALL the rules....a lot. That didn't work - we just ended up making house rules of our own. Plus, with no power and no XBox, Steve was cranky. I thought it best to shut down the game when he said "I don't like this game, it's making me cuss!" Camp Riser is still in session and trying to figure how to keep two little girls from feeling cooped up - there is nowhere to play b/c of all the debris and soggy ground. The whole city of Houston has a curfew, just in case you want to drive into a large puddle and flood out your car b/c you can't see the road at night. And now.....for the worst news of all....school is closed through Wednesday, Sept. 17! I know that Houston has a ton of cleanup to do (understatement), but this news is the least exciting for me. That's my whiny little story, folks. Who knows how long Camp Riser will be open, but we know we can accomodate 7 people in this space and the air mattress is a perfect fit for our living room. The good news is that no one is hurt and Camp Riser is air-conditioned!

I've been FILLED!

OKAY - I have 1.5cc's of saline in my lapband, and it doesn't seem to make that much of a difference. I have to be on liquids/puree for a 2-3days and then it's back to regular foods. Getting filled was interesting, Dr. Balette just stuck me with a needle and searched around for the port. I had to puff up my stomach and hold it for a while so he could find the port - which I gotta say wasn't easy since he was poking and prodding around to find the thing! We'll see what happens next.....

I went to rehearsal with Steve this evening - not a complete waste of time, but close to it. 2 other people showed and the rest of the band members didn't contact him. I was supposed to help with harmony and other stuff and I did, a little. He asked me to attend rehearsal, but dang it, I want to be useful.

Next week, starts a full slate. I am ready to get back in the groove of school - my boredom has hit its limit and I have one more month till ALL the kids are back. I was born to go to school - some women's brains are wired for shopping, some for business, some for motherhood - my brain is wired for the classroom. I don't want to be anywhere else, really.

After reading 365 Nights: A Memoir of Intimacy by Charla Muller - I have realized that motherhood is just not that important to me. At least not right now, and as I look back, probably never. Sure there have been times where my mind (26-27yo) or my body (34-35yo) has yearned for a baby. But at the end of it all - I don't really see the need for it. The idea of a family with children is merely a novelty. Charla Muller said - Choose 2 things to do well. A thriving career, a functional family, a happy spouse - she says you can't do all 3. I quite agree - for me. Balancing life in the 3-way split may work for others, but I can't say that I would be content. I am perfectly content with a happy spouse and a thriving career. Both areas of my life I can give and take great joy from every day.

This week, I made this realization - what I lacked in childhood was not a great mother. What I lacked was the absence of intimacy in my parent's relationship. What I mean is - they were rarely intimate with one another and it created an extremely chaotic life for us. John and Glenda were okay, somewhat lacking parents and horrible spouses. Something went wrong between them and it never got better. Out of that disconjointed union came 3 kids who are all messed up in their own ways.

In my adult life, I am most content when my marital relationship is in good working order. I know there will be slumps, but our foundation is solid. The thought of procreating to add to our family threatens what I have worked so hard to build and maintain. I don't want to have a marriage like my parents and I see children as the catalyst for disaster. It's not that I don't want to be a mother. I think it'd be cool (again, a novelty) and I'd be a good mom (but I'd have to work REAL hard at it). But if having children means creating a situation where I am less intimate with my husband - I am opposed to participation in that pathway of life. Have you seen all those unhappy moms who are strung out, no time for themselves, everybody needs mom to be the glue of everyday, they are their own support system, and where is their sense of self? Where did they go? Do you have to go on a reality show to get a makeover and get yourself back?

The 2 things I choose: happy spouse and thriving career.

1st Fill Up today!

It's been 35 days since Lap-Band Surgery. I have lost 34lbs total since starting this journey in March, and 31 of those lbs have been lost since June 11. The weight loss is definitely slowing down. I am hungry every couple of hours and looking for food - well, I feel like an animal when it happens. I can eat just about anything I want. I haven't tried salads yet, and I am mentally not ready for any kind of bread product. It is a rare occassion when I am mentally hungry - it is definitely the physical hunger that guides me now. Food has become fuel and not a medium for boredom or my emotions. I need a new bathing suit (bought this one 2 mos. ago - 1st one in 7-8 yrs) b/c my bottoms are sliding off me during water aerobics - quite embarrassing. My bottoms slide down and my top is loose enough that it just floats up. Today, I go in for my first "fill" - where they put saline in the band - probably just 1cc today, then it is liquid diet for 2-3 days. No problem, I know what to do there at least. We'll see how it goes after that!

JibJab w/Steve

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Rapid Weight Loss Plan

This morning, the scale read 287.5lbs - SEVEN DAYS!!! That is crazy! Today was a pretty good day, I had enough to eat (drink, actually). I went to the YMCA to visit - we walked a half mile on the track. We'll join later this week, it's definitely worth it. I went home and drank a bit more (all nutrition). Then I went to therapy and gave her a play-by-play of my surgery. Which ya know, I never posted here. Then I came home and ate/drank some more. I got the worst case of cramps that I have had in a long time, so I took some LQ Tylenol and fell asleep on the couch. Steve called and woke me up at 6p and the whole right side of my body was numb. I slept on that side and I was light-headed when I woke up. I finally got some food in my belly and felt better. Steve and I went to the grocery store and came home. And that's my account of today. I am not a fabulous blogger.

My Summer Movie Reviews

The Great Debaters - loved it! It was poignant, thought-provoking, heart-wrenching, uplifting, and thrilling. 4 stars

Across the Univers - not feeling it. So much hype with this film, and my students love this movie. I am not a fan. It is very artistic, and interesting in that regard. It is also intriguing how they use the music of the 60s as a backdrop to a storyline that is weak at best. The amount of drug use is disturbing to me. 2 stars for artistry.

Kissin' Cousins - old 1964 Elvis Presley movie, probably one of the more stupid ones that he did, not impressive. It was a Elvis & Hee-Haw combo flavor. In fact, I wouldn't be surprised if Hee-Haw originated from this movie. 1 star

Girl Happy - another E.P. movie from 1965, one that he was not very visible. The storyline was not on the star who carried the movie, that was evident. I will say that this one was much, much more risque that the other one. 1 star

The Holiday - love this Cameron Diaz/Jude Law/Kate Winslet/Jack Black romantic comedy! One of my favorite chick flicks. Lots of little goofs in it, but I love, love, love it! It doesn't matter how many times I see it, it is sure to please and warm the heart! 4 stars!

13 lbs. lost...

In 5 days - isn't that amazing? By drinking my food and walking 4x a day! I know, I know, it's water weight, but I feel great! My incisions hurt a lot last night while I tried to sleep. A couple of the incisions seemed to have drained a tiny bit, but I put big huge bandages over them yesterday. The full protection helped seal everything up really well.

Today, my goal is to drink all the leftover food that I have made - or at least make a dent in it. I must admit that I do not love protein powder in my food. I made a great bowl of cream of wheat - okay, no one think c-o-w is great - but I flavored the milk with SF strawberry preserves. I strained it and sweetened it with splenda - it was much better. But the nutritionist suggests adding protein powder to it - that does not excite me at all.

I do struggle with emotional eating due to boredom but with this plan - I am certainly not bored! We'll see how that changes in the next few weeks...

I am inspired this morning by a story on the Today Show with Hoda Kotb/Kathie Lee Gifford about a woman who weighed 400 lbs. and lost 262 lbs. She weighs 138 now. That is AMAZING! She was so gracious and sweet and did it without surgeries or pills. I am inspired.

one ounce at a time...

We do what we have to do so we can do what we want to do - Denzel Washington?

So, this morning, I got up and began the task of a full day of eating and exercising. 1 oz. of liquids every 15 minutes - it requires a lot of dedication. I will admit that honestly.

Last night, I got the munchies, but I did not act upon them. I wanted to, oh, how I wanted to munch on some junk food. But I did not.

Currently, I am drinking protein shakes, hot tea, water, and eating cream of wheat. I went on a 13 min. walk this morning. I feel just fine.

Yesterday, I went to a concert and to a theater open house - I was tired afterwards. Very tired. Therefore, I am staying home today. I woke up this morning and my incisions hurt. I slept for the first time w/o elevation, I wanted to roll around. Trying to toss and turn in bed is what made my incisions hurt. LQ tylenol helped take that ache away.

So, now, I am going to eat again and continue watching The Great Debaters.

15 min. living

15 minutes of fame. 15 minutes of exercise. 15 minutes in between drinking liquids - 1 oz. at a time. That's me. I am drinking my nutrition. Yesterday, I felt like I drank milk all day in various forms. Today, I figured out how to make Cream of Wheat taste good w/o the extra sugars. I took four 10 minute walks yesterday. I took a short walk this morning at 7:30p as well. I think I need a nap right now. I have to go to a 2pm concert, so I want to be rested for that event.

I am watching the Today Show - dedicated to remembering Tim Russert, a political journalist whom I just adored. I am taking two quotes from him:
You are always, always loved, but you are never, ever entitled. - talking to his son, Luke
Study hard, laugh often, keep your honor. - to his son about going to college.

Great words of wisdom.

Life after Lap-Band Surgery

Well, I did it. I had Lap-Band Surgery! I have 5 small incisions on my upper belly. Pre-Op was not so bad. All of my nurses were wonderful. Surgery & Recovery - I don't remember much of it. I remember that they gave me the "loopy"meds before they wheeled me into surgery, I remember the surgery room being bright, bright, bright white. And that's it. Then I remember coming to in some room, but I don't know where I was - I saw a clock that said 1:30p - so I am thinking that was Recovery. And I know I was in pain. Then I remember two nurses fussing over me in my room about 2:20p. I had to go do a Upper GI and drink something that tasted like medicine. Then they brought me ice chips and a tray full of liquids.

The Day Before Surgery

No Diet Cokes. I haven't had any since Sunday night. I had a small headache last night at dinner. So far, so good. I tried to eat mostly liquids yesterday. It wasn't bad, but I departed from the menu to eat the last of the cookies in the house and the shrimp on my husband's plate. The shrimp was tough, not satisfying at all. I am drinking a Carnation Instant Breakfast right now - with added non-fat dry milk, ice cubes, and a banana. The banana was added after I decided that I didn't like the taste of 1% milk plus dry milk. On the otherhand, I did LOVE the double milk with the Jello Sugar-Free Vanilla Pudding Single yesterday. That was yummy! My veggie soup turned out very well, it's very orange.

Today, I am going to spend some time with Marie, then go to psycho-therapy, then meet Diane at the Music Rack. I don't know what I am supposed to discussing with Diane. I know what I want to discuss with my psych though.

On a random note, we came home last night to discover one of the cats had pooped on the bed - somebody has the squirts. That's the problem with having 2 cats - when one of them has a problem, it is hard to figure out who it is.

So, my rant today is from last night's dinner with our family - rather Steve's parents, his sister and her husband. But let me back up....Steve is very concerned about a couple of things with this surgery 1. what pastor will pray over me before surgery or what pastor should he call in case something happens 2. who is going to visit me in the hospital. Well, the surgery takes an hour and is minimally invasive, so I don't think I need prayer from a pastor before I go in. I denied the clergy in my room - not b/c I am anti-clergy. I just don't want some random minister walking in my room - I've seen those guys in action, it is not effective. But truly, this is an experience that Steve and I have never been through together, so we have brand new topics of conversation that go with it. Honestly, I never thought about have a minister visit me b/c I didn't think it was needed. Then to discuss the minister of my choice in the event of a fatality - well, that was new one, too. Then we move on to who will visit me....well, I am not taking out a billboard to announce my hospital stay. There's a 50/50 chance that I will go home the day of the surgery, so I don't want to tell too many people that I am going to be in the hospital if I end up going home the same day. Sure, I'd love some visitors, but I don't want to have to invite them, I think they should come on their own accord.

Which brings me to my rant....as if the last paragraph wasn't enough...Steve's parents said that they were coming up on Wednesday morning during my surgery to sit with Steve. They said that several times. After the 2nd or 3rd time, I thought to myself, "So, you're not coming to be there during my surgery, you're coming to sit with your son for moral support. It's indirect support. I get it. He's afraid of hospitals, so you are going to come sit with him like he is 5 yo. He is 36 yo, he goes to the doctor by himself, he gets bloodwork done by himself, he even took himself to the ER when he had a boil on his face, and he took himself to the doctor when the problem came back. He is capable of getting through medical procedures on his own. But please, do come and sit with him to support him, not me. I guess this is what I get for not having my mother in my life. Since it my choice (and healthy decision) not to tell her about the surgery, then what I get is the parental figures in my life who don't really want to be my parental figures. They want to make it clear that they are not my parents - they are my husband's parents. I don't think of them as my parents, but they are people who are parents and pretty good ones, so they are good role models for me. Plus, they belong to my husband, so I have a kindred relationship to them. But ya know, it's okay, come sit with your son during my surgery. I'll be fine."

I wish in-laws everywhere had a universal understanding of how much easier it could be if they simply embraced the idea of inclusion.

Summer is here!

I am so excited to have walked away from the school at almost 4pm on Friday! In 13 years of teaching, I can say that has never happened. It's quite an accomplishment for me. I am definitely a workaholic who is learning to balance my life. So, I will be returning on Wednesdays beginning 6/18 - to do administrative stuff, work with a few students, etc. Right now, I am blogging. Actually, I am prepping to clean my house and do the laundry as I will be having surgery on Wednesday. I don't want to return to a upside down house. And if my mil wants to visit, I am certain it needs to be somewhat presentable.

I am cooking a vegetable soup - carrots, potatoes, onions, zuchinni squash, butternut squash - ummmm, yum! I bought an immersion blender last night so that I can puree it when everything is soft. I have a food processor, single serve blender, and an immersion blender - I think I am ready for this surgery.

So, I am more than a little fearful of the surgery itself. Putting myself on the op table, having them cut me open (no matter how small), how much it is going to hurt afterwards, healing, getting lots of exercise, etc. Steve is frustrated b/c I have been throwing out the food that will tempt me later - the man needs his junk food. I don't. Fortunately, we don't crave all the same kinds of junk food. So, some of it doesn't bother me. But I told him no cookies in the house for a few weeks - ugh, he is not excited about that one. I am going to have to find someone to give this 12 pk of Diet Cokes to....;)

another week gone by...

...and what do I have to show for it? I really don't know - it was a LONG week:
Sunday: My 36th birthday
Monday: Psych eval
Tuesday: Nutrition class in the AM, Psychotherapy in the PM, with an afterschool rehearsal thrown in for good measure.
Wednesday: nothing
Thursday: afterschool rehearsal, but was home by 6:00p (YEAH!!!)
Friday: afterschool choir clinic with advanced girls choir till 7pm, then dinner with Julie
Saturday: Birthday dinner party with Anna, Jay, Kandi, Alvin, Kathleen, Kaylyn, Richard, and Steve.
Sunday: church, lunch with the Risers
This week - more afterschool rehearsals!!!

It's contest season and I am calm right now - which scares the crap out of me. Why am I not MORE stressed about this? Have I given up? Is there too much still to be done? I am scared because I thought I made good choices this year. Now, I am not so sure. Should I have combined the advanced and intermediate girls for contest and gone non-varsity? Did I choose music that was too difficult for HT? I have sightread enough to warrant success. There is SO MUCH polishing left to be done this week. I am scared. A lot.

We add to that the waiting for Lap-Band approval and hearing from UH about acceptance into graduate school. A couple of uncertains just floating out there in oblivion.

I am not calm. My wigging out phase has officially begun....

Psychotherapy works for me!

Today, I went to the psychotherapist or rather, the counselor/social worker LCSW, for my psych eval in prep for WLS. I filled out a 5 pg. document that covered past history in a broad sense. Nothing specific. Basically, it was an "are you mentally ready for this" visit. She gave me some things to think about based on our discussions.....
1. Since I am an emotional eater and eat when I am bored - I need to find a coping mechanism for the boredom. Find a new hobby - reading, exercise, something....
2. Since I often put others needs ahead of my own and wls is something that I am doing for myself - I have to rethink how I plan for myself, how I plan to eat, how I plan to prepare my food, etc. She also suggested that I give myself permission to step away from the "pink bracelet syndrome" in some regards. One thing that I am going to have to do is stop worrying about Steve's eating habits and allow him to fend for himself. hmmmmm.....that's gonna be a tough one.
3. Be mindful of cross-addictions - top 4 are alcohol, shopping, gambling, and sex. Well, I am going to have to be very careful on 2 out of 4 of those - the other two, I don't care for very much.

Tomorrow is the nutrition consult. Plus school - oh yeah!

I'm making an effort....

...to talk to my mother without getting the jitters and needing a path of maximum avoidance. Today is my 36th birthday. Steve and I went to church and then met the Riser's and the Parker's for lunch at Palotta's - my fave Italian restaurant. My DH made me a card - he couldn't find one that he liked in the store. So, he made one - very clever and loving. Bob & Liz gave me the Paula Deen Celebrates cookbook. Have I mentioned that I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE Paula Deen? I do. The Riser's gave me some birthday money - I'll save it for later. My brother Grant called and left me a vmail of him and the boys singing Happy Birthday to me - LOVED IT!!!!! Linda Joy called and I talked to her for a bit. My mother called later in the evening - I went ahead and answered. We talked for about 30 minutes. Mostly about Grandma's funeral. I am trying to talk to her and be ok at the end of a conversation. But sometimes, I can't totally get her voice out of my head. I was sharing with her some positive things that the pastor said about Grandma - I didn't like her responses. Her responses backhanded the positives - it was disappointing. I know that none of the women on my dad's side of the family got along, but the woman that supposedly caused all the hurt is now deceased. Why can't we let go and remember the good? Why does the hurt have to keep lingering and why must we continue to keep hurting others as a result? This is the reason for my estrangement from Mother in the first place. We just don't have to live in unhealthy ways - we can be better.

Overall, a nice, quiet birthday. I'm 36.

Preparing for Lap Band Surgery: Tomorrow, I am going to do my psych eval. Tuesday, I go to the Nutrition consult. Then it's on to hounding the insurance co. I am very happy things are going well and FAST!!!!

Spring Break Vacation 08

Wednesday - March 19

We were supposed to leave by 7:30am, but we adjusted our schedule to leave by noon. We actually left at 11:30am - YEAH! TESCILLE!!! I WIN!!! With a pit stop for gas and lunch, we drove to San Marcos. We had about an hour to shop at the outlets - the first store we stepped into and the first thing we saw was a gift for Elizabeth. We walked on to the Fossil store to find a purse for me and a watch for Steve. Steve bought a broken watch - which he returned the next day. I scored TWO purses - one dark brown dressy purse (more professional than special occasion) and one casual sling purse that is a camel color. Both Fossil, both leather. WOOHOO!! Afterwards, we drove to Kyle TX for our stay at The Inn Above Onion Creek - we thought it was a B&B, but it was more of a country inn (it has 12 rooms). Steve called it Camp for Adults - that is what it felt like. Dinner was served at 6pm and there were 25 people! After dinner was served, everyone dispersed from the dining area and it really did feel like Camp for Adults - everyone went to their own room! Our room was quite large - with a large sitting area. We turned the fire on and slept with the fire on ALL NIGHT!!! So cool! Very good for recreating!

Thursday - March 20

We ate breakfast at the inn, then went for a short walk to the overlook of Onion Creek. After checkout, we were off to Natural Bridge Caverns and Wildlife Ranch. We waited in a line of cars for 45 minutes to get into the Wildlife Ranch - that was not so bad. Then drove around the park for an hour feeding the animals. I got to feed a ZEBRA at my car window - WOW!!! We hurried through the park and onto the Caverns. I am not a "cave" person - meaning, I am not interested in caves. Steve - very much the opposite. So, we went on the Illuminations tour and we had an excellent tour guide. This guy actually helped design and build the tour - we felt very fortunate to have a knowledgeable guide. After being in a cave at 70 degrees and 99% humidity, we decided to forego the second cave tour (yes, there are two) and went back to San Marcos for more shopping. We had a horrible experience at La Quinta - which didn't keep us from recreating, but nonetheless LQ ain't what it used to be.

Friday - March 21

We rose early to check out and head to The Aquarena Center (or Aquarena Springs, as I remember it). That was interesting and sad. Texas State University now owns the land and all parts of the old amusement park. It was rundown and lowkey. It looked like a ghost town, really. But they were running the boat tours, so we went. And we can say that we did it. Afterwards, we did more shopping. btw, Steve and I got into a snappy little tiff in the morning - I think he apologized with CinnaMelts from McD's - still not sure about that one. After shopping we drove to Kreuz Market in Lockhart TX - our absolute FAVORITE BBQ place. Then we went home. On the way home, we got into a MAJOR argument. But what are ya gonna do? - it's a 2.5 hour drive home - you are forced to resolve it......in the car. We had to resolve it b/c we realized that we would be ending our wonderful vacation on a sour note. All's well that ends well!

And that is our Spring Break Vacation 08.

Spring Break 08

I feel like Spring Break began two weeks ago. No, it didn't, really. It began yesterday. Here's a rundown of the my days since....
Thursday - taught school, judged at Pre-UIL (that was cool)
Friday - went to Grandma's funeral, came home
Saturday - was doing nothing, but DH was being annoying to the point of argument (note: probably best not to tell DW that you're mad after recreation - it totally ruins the moment), so I practiced avoidance and fled the house to run errands. When I came home, he was still here! Leave the house already - get out, go do something!!!!
Sunday - Steve went to church and came home. I am going to have to start going with him early to church - otherwise, I have no discipline and internal motivation to get there on my own. When did going to church become equal with a funeral durge? We ate lunch at Mel's, then wandered around TWMall, then came home for recreation. Much better this time.
Monday - I went to the school to proctor tests for a former student, ran errands, then on to the chiropractor, then came home for (omg! amazing) couch recreation.
Tuesday - I went to see Dr. Balette about Lap-Band. I love this doctor - so B/W about issues. And he calmed my nerves about surgery - I have never had surgery before. When I was coming home, I stopped to check the mail and saw a major wreck. It was apparent that I wasn't going anywhere b/c of the traffic buildup. I parked the SUV and got out to watch - very sad with 2 fire trucks plus fire dept. vehicles, 3 ambulances and 3 police cars. There were only 2 cars, but 3 people were hurt and a car flipped. I brought lunch home and now we are doing laundry. There is a storm that is supposed to be blowing in - the wind has been up for a couple of days now. But it looks like we will be at the eastern edge of it, so no biggie. We are going to dinner tonight at Jasper's with Christian & Audrey - I am VERY excited!!!!

Don't know what I was thinkin....

I think I agreed to sing b/c my sister wanted me to, but I wasn't really sure if I could do it. Steve wanted to sing with me, but we ended up arguing about it. So, I chose to sing by myself. My Aunt Joanne told me "If you are going to sing The Old Rugged Cross - that's one that I know so don't mess it up." No pressure. When I stepped up to sing, I couldn't even take a breath. I ended up turning to Cathy and asking her to sing. I stepped back and let them sing. I was emotional, embarrassed and just overwhelmed that Grandma was really gone. The cool thing that happened was that most of the people who stood there began to sing along. That's what Grandma would have wanted. It was odd - at MeeMee's funeral - there were lots of tears. At Grandma's funeral, no one was crying. That is, until I started crying.

She was a great woman.

Heavy Heavy Hangs Over My Head

Had I known, I woulda......

woulda what? WHAT is a laundry list of things to say, people to hug, songs to sing, places to go, people to please, etc. In the end, the WHAT is time misspent.

Eda Margaret Cole passed away today. My paternal grandmother - she was in her mid-80s and married for about 65 years to Bobbie Cole. Two of the greatest people I have ever met in my life. In their own form, greatness has always been simple.

Who will make my Grandpa coffee each morning? Who will make sure he has Lava soap? Who will stand over the washing machine to keep it from shaking and making so much noise? Who will yell at the dogs when they run through the house or bark at each car that drives by the farm? Who will talk for 4 hours without taking a breath and in the midst of it tell my Grandpa to stop playing solitaire and just visit with us? Who will make homemade ice cream in a stainless steel bowl and serve it with stale white cake and frosting? Who will stand at front door and greet me when I come in?

She is the reason we had a piano in our house - in each of her son's houses, she placed a piano for her grandchildren to learn. Our piano was the cheapest at $300, but was used the most. She always made sure we had a bed to sleep in at her house - we NEVER slept anywhere else. I just realized how important that was to her. Grandma - she was a crabby old woman who loved God, her husband, and her sons. She cared for others, and had strong opinions about how we should live our lives. I was the only who pursued the music she gave us. Looking at her life, you can see parts of her in each grandchild. There are 7 of us and 10 or so great-grandchildren. I cannot tell of a time in my life when she got along with any female in our family.

She taught me a lot about cooking and tried to teach me about money. She made me get the eggs out of the chicken coop. She made me clothes - including nightgowns and bras! She made me play the piano everytime I walked in her house. Her house is full of rocking chairs. She made sure I knew how to set a table. She made the worst tea ever. She cooked T-Bone steaks in the oven - to perfection. She let us play outside, get dirty, and never worried about us getting hurt. Breakfast was always ready at 7am, lunch at noon, and dinner at 6pm - with coffee breaks for Grandpa at 10am and 2:30pm. When she yelled, it was more of a bellowed roar. She was the mother of 4 sons - two of which preceded her in death. Her husband was a Navy cook. She was a WWII wife who had a son while her husband was at war and she raised him till he came home. When her husband decided it was time to move from the drastic Illinois winters, he sent his wife and sons to Texas to find suitable land. He could not leave his dairy farm. She came to Texas by train and found him 342 acres of land that fulfilled his one request - the land had to have oak trees on it. She was a shrewd miser. She was the ultimate 20th century farm wife.

I am apprehensive about going to the farm on Friday - family lunch and a simple graveside service. The last time I went to the farm was when Daddy died. The first thing anyone said to me was Geneva "Your daddy thought you were the most disrespectful and ungrateful child." Some things - you don't forget, but oh my gosh, how you want to.

I haven't been in contact with my grandparents for 4 years. In the words of the Dixie Chicks - I'm taking the long way around. I loved my wedding day - it was surrounded with great strife - but the most special part of it (besides Steve) was my Grandma and Grandpa being there. It was like having Daddy there. Grandpa gave me away and it meant the world to me. At the wedding rehearsal, I was waiting to practice my walk down the aisle with Grandpa. I was pretty nervous and cold. Grandpa said to me, "A night like tonight, when you have been married as long as Mommy and I have, you won't remember in 60 years." When I asked him how he made it work for that long - he said "I kiss her each morning."

October Road

My husband says that I watch this show for the eye-candy. He may be right. After a long day that definitely qualified as "down in the dumps", I sat down on the couch with Steve at nearly 10p. We ended up watching the season finale of October Road - I don't know how many people watch this show. I hope that enough people watch the show that ABC wants to bring it back in the fall. I love this quiet little show - full of eye-candy. Or rather, man-candy. Even the not-so-hot dudes are somewhat hot. What I love about this show is that when it ends - I feel good. Lots of twists and turns in the plot, but it always ends on the upside. Plus, the music selections are very smart. So, thank you, ABC for keeping October Road on the air. My down in the dumps day is a little brighter (even though it is midnight) and it will be easier to sleep.

Monday Music Madness

100 kids from Band, Choir, & Orchestra at Main Event Entertainment Complex - I must be CRAZY!!! That was Monday Music Madness - bowling, billiards, laser tag, arcade games, food, etc., etc., etc. Plus, all the drama of 13-14 yr old girls and boys......At least I was home by 8:30p.

Right now, my task is quite a challenge - I have to shake some trees and find a few more kids to join choir - especially the guys. As of today, I have right at 100 kids signed up for choir. I did not meet my personal goal of 150 students. I am very disappointed. Before May, I would like to pick up 20 more students. But that is not going to be an easy task.

It is official - I need Spring Break. I was not motivated to teach today at all - I hate when I feel this way b/c it's hard to shake it off and move on. Of course, I never give my students a break of any sort - they rehearse EVERYDAY without fail. Today, my advanced girls - we just talked about nothing for 45 minutes. That happened in 3-4 of my classes - idk what was going on, but I didn't feel with it. I needed sunshine and all we had was rain.

March comes in like a lion and out a lamb....well, the lion part is definitely right!

Sunday night ramble

Okay, we all make our decisions in life, right? Well, I am choosing not to share my pursuit of wls with everyone that I come into contact with. Is it really necessary? Yeh, I publishing it on a blog for the world to see, but really, nobody's reading this thing except me. Steve wants to know who is going to sit with him during the surgery or if I need a pastor to come pray over me. He is obviously more worried than I am. I have a sense of peace about this whole thing, and I know that I am not going to die from it. I just see it as a new beginning and a happy one at that!

I am anxious to get to Spring Break. I feel like I have to endure this week with the kids. And I rarely ever feel that way about my students and I don't like to feel that way. idk, I'm just not that interested in school this week. I should probably order Pop Show music - that will make it more exciting! I definitely need a break.

Tescille's WL Journey

About 18 mos. ago, I began researching weight loss surgery after seeing 4 friends go through it (2 gbs, 2 lbs). I finally got an appt. to see a doc in June 07 - he scared the crap out of me. Normally, it is hard to intimidate me, but when I am unsure or nervous about a situation - the vulnerability is high. Then a series of traumatic life events happened, and I postponed my pursuit of wls. After 9 mos. in psych-therapy, I am at it again. With the help of my psych, I have found a one-stop shop for wls at Memorial Hermann - The Woodlands. I went to a wl seminar a couple of weeks ago. I have spent the last two wks getting med records transferred - no small task. I have an initial eval scheduled with Dr. Ballette on 3/18. After that, it's on to nutrition & psych consults, then wait for insurance approval. I am very excited this time. I felt completely comfortable with Dr. Ballette. He has a lot of experience and he presented well-supported research - as a craver of information, this helped ease my ocd. So, here we go again.....I am SO EXCITED this time!!!!