trust

Right now, I am reading two books Forgiveness by Paul J. Meyer and The Five Languages of Apology by Gary Chapman and Jennifer Thomas. For some reason, it has finally occurred to me (with almost 35 years of life behind me) that I was raised in an unforgiving and unapologetic family. It is a striking revelation, really.

My anger toward my mother is subsiding as I begin to understand the concepts of forgiveness and apologizing. For so long, my separation from my mother was based on anger and a need for boundaries. As I begin to understand these complexities, I find the boundaries in place with protection plans and the anger gradually subsiding. Quite frankly, this has been the most wonderful 3.5 years of my life. During this period, I have allowed myself to just exist on a daily basis with my own thoughts to guide me. Up until March 2003, I felt like every decision that I made had to have my mother's approval or opinion. It was as thought I could not think for myself. When I separated myself from her, I felt my emotions settle down. It was if I had finally stepped off a 30 year long emotional rollercoaster ride. My temper no longer had a trigger switch. As a result, I am calmer and I like it.

There are days when I miss her and I would like to call her. Just to tell her about something that happened. But the normal mother-daughter is not possible right now. I still have to keep those boundaries in place. I am not willing to let her into my life because if I open the door a little, she wants the door open wide. She saturated my life for so long - in good and bad ways - that I am not willing to trust her with a little quite yet. She still scares me.

I want so badly to be free from this pain.

tescille

dinner's over

Time spent with loved ones - I like it a lot. In fact, I love to cook a meal for people and spend time with them. Tonight's menu was baked spaghetti (Paula Deen's recipe), salad (simple lettuce and tomato), cheese biscuits, and strawberry shortcake for dessert (using Paula Deen's Grandmother Paul's Sour Cream Pound Cake). It was all good, and we ate too much. I needed to finish off that pound cake that I made on Christmas Eve, so the dessert was a good sacrifice.

It is time to begin the weight loss. I should finish the laundry first though. I really wish that I had a dog to walk - that would be good motivation. But then again, I don't have time to take care of a dog the way that I am supposed to. It is sad really. It would be great if we had a treadmill, but those are expensive and it wouldn't fit in our house.

So, I have the Bible on CD which I will transfer to my iPod next week. Then I will begin walking. I don't know if I have enough discipline, but one day, I would love to run a 5 or 10K. Heck! I would love to just run one mile. I have to change my sedentary lifestyle. I want to have a baby one day. Weighing 300 lbs. is not gonna work for much longer. So, the question is...........do I walk in the morning or the evening. I really liked walking in the morning because it woke me up and jump started my day. I am usually too tired to walk in the evening. Plus, I have this thing about changing clothes mid-day - I hate it. I am such a simple person that changing clothes mid-day seems unnecessary. I would rather put on my walking clothes when I wake up, walk, shower, then get dressed for work.

I have become like my mother and grandmother in stature and weight - both of which have or had diabetes. I am not willing to walk this road. So, I must forge another path.

I have thought about and done a little bit of research on lap-band surgery. I don't know. We have two friends who have done gastric bypass this year and two friends who have done lap band - it feels like peer pressure. Plus, it is the beginning of the year, so the pressure is greater to lose weight.

I wish I could weigh this much and NOT have health problems. It is not possible. I have sleep apnea and I HATE sleeping with that CPAP machine. It has done a real number on my self-esteem. Plus, I am not a restful sleeper, so in the middle of the night when the mask has shifted, I end up taking it off without realizing it. I hate that thing. I have to lose weight so that I don't have to use it.

tescille

time to cook and clean!

It's that happy time! I need to do a quick pickup of house/Christmas clutter and begin to cook for my brother & his entourage that are arriving in a few hours.

tech-stupid am i

Ah, yes.....after creating this blog, I couldn't figure out how to get back to it. It took me about 20 minutes to find it again.

3 days past

It's 3 days past Christmas and I am bored to death. I have nothing but watch TV and eat all day. I am growing to whale-size proportions - I just know it. But we are in luck, the new People is hitting stands tomorrow - "Half Their Size" - it is inspirations for us all! So, begins my journey of weight loss. It takes me a few weeks to get motivated for this type of thing. The last time I lost about 50 lbs. but gained it back + 40 lbs. What makes the weight stay off? Weight doesn't stay off when you have a love affair with food.