I've been FILLED!

OKAY - I have 1.5cc's of saline in my lapband, and it doesn't seem to make that much of a difference. I have to be on liquids/puree for a 2-3days and then it's back to regular foods. Getting filled was interesting, Dr. Balette just stuck me with a needle and searched around for the port. I had to puff up my stomach and hold it for a while so he could find the port - which I gotta say wasn't easy since he was poking and prodding around to find the thing! We'll see what happens next.....

I went to rehearsal with Steve this evening - not a complete waste of time, but close to it. 2 other people showed and the rest of the band members didn't contact him. I was supposed to help with harmony and other stuff and I did, a little. He asked me to attend rehearsal, but dang it, I want to be useful.

Next week, starts a full slate. I am ready to get back in the groove of school - my boredom has hit its limit and I have one more month till ALL the kids are back. I was born to go to school - some women's brains are wired for shopping, some for business, some for motherhood - my brain is wired for the classroom. I don't want to be anywhere else, really.

After reading 365 Nights: A Memoir of Intimacy by Charla Muller - I have realized that motherhood is just not that important to me. At least not right now, and as I look back, probably never. Sure there have been times where my mind (26-27yo) or my body (34-35yo) has yearned for a baby. But at the end of it all - I don't really see the need for it. The idea of a family with children is merely a novelty. Charla Muller said - Choose 2 things to do well. A thriving career, a functional family, a happy spouse - she says you can't do all 3. I quite agree - for me. Balancing life in the 3-way split may work for others, but I can't say that I would be content. I am perfectly content with a happy spouse and a thriving career. Both areas of my life I can give and take great joy from every day.

This week, I made this realization - what I lacked in childhood was not a great mother. What I lacked was the absence of intimacy in my parent's relationship. What I mean is - they were rarely intimate with one another and it created an extremely chaotic life for us. John and Glenda were okay, somewhat lacking parents and horrible spouses. Something went wrong between them and it never got better. Out of that disconjointed union came 3 kids who are all messed up in their own ways.

In my adult life, I am most content when my marital relationship is in good working order. I know there will be slumps, but our foundation is solid. The thought of procreating to add to our family threatens what I have worked so hard to build and maintain. I don't want to have a marriage like my parents and I see children as the catalyst for disaster. It's not that I don't want to be a mother. I think it'd be cool (again, a novelty) and I'd be a good mom (but I'd have to work REAL hard at it). But if having children means creating a situation where I am less intimate with my husband - I am opposed to participation in that pathway of life. Have you seen all those unhappy moms who are strung out, no time for themselves, everybody needs mom to be the glue of everyday, they are their own support system, and where is their sense of self? Where did they go? Do you have to go on a reality show to get a makeover and get yourself back?

The 2 things I choose: happy spouse and thriving career.