trust

Right now, I am reading two books Forgiveness by Paul J. Meyer and The Five Languages of Apology by Gary Chapman and Jennifer Thomas. For some reason, it has finally occurred to me (with almost 35 years of life behind me) that I was raised in an unforgiving and unapologetic family. It is a striking revelation, really.

My anger toward my mother is subsiding as I begin to understand the concepts of forgiveness and apologizing. For so long, my separation from my mother was based on anger and a need for boundaries. As I begin to understand these complexities, I find the boundaries in place with protection plans and the anger gradually subsiding. Quite frankly, this has been the most wonderful 3.5 years of my life. During this period, I have allowed myself to just exist on a daily basis with my own thoughts to guide me. Up until March 2003, I felt like every decision that I made had to have my mother's approval or opinion. It was as thought I could not think for myself. When I separated myself from her, I felt my emotions settle down. It was if I had finally stepped off a 30 year long emotional rollercoaster ride. My temper no longer had a trigger switch. As a result, I am calmer and I like it.

There are days when I miss her and I would like to call her. Just to tell her about something that happened. But the normal mother-daughter is not possible right now. I still have to keep those boundaries in place. I am not willing to let her into my life because if I open the door a little, she wants the door open wide. She saturated my life for so long - in good and bad ways - that I am not willing to trust her with a little quite yet. She still scares me.

I want so badly to be free from this pain.

tescille